Win rupies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pie warrior]

Okay what you have to do is write a joke by replying after 5 jokes the one which makes me laugh the most will get 10 rupies!
also + rating this thread will help alot and to make sure i am not cheating i will tell you the winner so you all know! please have a go! :nana:

[ZeroShade]

Nice idea for a thread.

Except that rupies are gone.

[allfalldown]

Dude, have you been away for a while? There's no rupies anymore.

[edit] Zero posted that while I was typing, so it appeared after I posted. I'm not being foolish, honest.

[pie warrior]

yes i have been away a few months in fact so i didnt know that rupies are gone. soz.

[rabid_amoeba]

I'm sure the thread could continue with the prize being the knowledge that you are the best joke teller.

and im sure there could be rep +ing for good jokes :ninja:

[pie warrior]

What a brill idea! so jokes anyone?

[rabid_amoeba]

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

There's plenty more to come.

[dogincognito]

There's two sausages and an egg in a fying pan.

The egg says to the sausages "Phew, it's getting hot in here".

One sausage turns to the other other and says - "Bloody hell - it's a talking Egg!"

[/oldjoke]

[Furnie]

I don't know if I've told this one before

whats pink and fluffy
Pink fluff

Whats blue and fluffy
Pink fluff died blue

(it's my favourite joke)

[dogincognito]

This is my favourite joke:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



Because he was dead.


:D


i dont have a very sophisticated sense of humour :rolleyes:

[Evil Sperm]

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

because he was attached to the first one

*cringes*

[dogincognito]

I went to a fancy dress party and there was a guy there naked with a girl on his back.

"What have you come as?" I asked him.

"A tortoise" he said.

"Who's that on your back then?" I asked.









"Oh - it's Michelle"


Cringeworthy...

[Zarni]

oooh! oooh!

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?



















peer pressure!


*groans*

[Gnome General]

How did you people manage to split one joke into three parts, all posted by different posters?

Worst joke ever:
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.

[dogincognito]

i didnt know the rest magic. This is now the bad jokes thread methinks :p

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

[piemastermike]

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead

Why did the second monkeyt fall out of the tree?

it thought it was a game

Why did the tree fall over?

It thought it was a monkey


how un amusing!

[Zweee]

follow up joke...

An irishmen walks out of a bar...

Or

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Or

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
Sold his soul to santa

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He brought a warehouse

[dogincognito]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a litre of semi-skimmed milk,
a carton of eggs,
a litre of orange juice,
a head of iceberg lettuce,
a jar of coffee
and a packet of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt, a drunk stood behind her, carressing a can of Special Brew and watching as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her purchases that could have given the drunk any clue as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[LeoZ]

someone sent me this one in a plus rep (very odd, but funny none the less)

So a man is in his living room watching TV, when there is a knock on the door. The man goes to answer it, and finds a snail looking up at him. The man, who has a (unjustified) hatred for snails throws the snail into his front garden, and returns to his living room. A year later, there is a knock at the door, and the man goes to answer it. He finds the snail looking up at him, saying, "What the hell did you do that for?"

[fythbro]

a termite walks ito a bar.
'is the bar-tender here?'

worst.joke.ever.

[rabid_amoeba]

Pointlessly sick, random joke:

Why couldn't the kitten drink its milk?

because its face was stapled to the floor

[Empty Pie Dish]

What did the suicidal banana say?
Bite me!

Why did little timmy fall of his bike?
He got sniped in the eye

[GorillaBearBear]

So this guy is in University, and it's his birthday soon, so he decides to throw a wild party. He also decides it will be fancy dress, because everyone loves fancy dress. He also decides that you have to come dressed as a state of mind or emotion. So he's got the party set up and he's waiting for people to arrive, there's a knock on the door, and it's this lovely girl in a green dress. So he says "oh, you're green with envy, nice one, come in" Next one he gets is red (anger) and soon enough the party's getting wild. About halfway through the party the doorbell rings.

He opens it and there are 3 mediterranean looking guys, all naked. One is wearing a dress, one his fingers stuck right into a pair, and the last is totally naked, with his penis in a bowl of custard. After a while the host gos "nope, no idea, what are you"

the first one goes
(Italian Accent) I am in Dis dress
second one says
(Same Accent) I am in Dis Pair
and the last one shouts out







I AM FUCKING DIS CUSTARD

Oh God, I have to kill myself now

[pie warrior]

Well done GuerillaBaaBaa ! you have won + reping!

[Patrick Moore]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

They go up to the bar and the man says "i'll have a pint for me, and 10 for my friend here."
So they get their drinks and drink them, then the man says "let's have another one for me, and 20 for my giraffe."
So they drink them and get up to leave, halfway to the door the giraffe collapses on the floor and the man keeps walking.
The bartender shouts: "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!"
The man turns around and says: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Boom boom! Works better when you say it...but you get the idea, ne?

[GorillaBearBear]

So a guy walks into his local and orders a pint of bitter. He casts an eye around and sees a horse tethered up in the corner. He turns to the bartender and asks "what's with the horse?". And the Bartender replies "I'm running a contest. If you can get that horse to laugh, I'll give you a hundred bob".

The man considers this for a second and then walks over to the horse, whispers a little in his ear and suddenly the horse starts giggling like a catholic schoolgirl. The man walks to the bar, downs his pint and says "money please", and the bartender pays up.

The next week, the man walks in again, and the horse is still there, so he orders his beer and then asks the bartender "why is it still there then?" and the bartender replies "'nother contest. two hundred quid if you make it cry"

the man considers it again, walks over to the horse, does something to it, and the horse starts weeping like another catholic schoolgirl. The man walks back to the bar, downs his pint and says "money, if you please"

The bartender says, "alright, but just one thing - how?"
The man says:
First time I said i had a bigger willy than him. That time I just showed it to him

Sorry :s

[Shave]

two hunters are out in the junlge. one of the hunters says to the other "i hear there's a man-eating-tiger in these parts". on hearing this news the other hunter takes off his boots and puts on a pair of flashy new running shoes. the first hunter looks bemused "you won't be able to outrun a tiger in those". the second hunter replies "i know. i just have to be able to outrun you"

*silence*

[HammerandSickle]

What do you get if you cross a lake with a leaky boat?
About half way.

[rabid_amoeba]

Three explorers are captured in the jungle by a tribe. Two are blindfolded while the other is brought before the chief.

The chief says "chose your punishment - Death Or Mau Mau". The explorer thinks anything is better than death and so choses Mau Mau. Two tribesmen proceed to insert a mango into his anus.

The 2nd explorer is brought before the chief. The chief says "chose your punishment - Death Or Mau Mau". The explorer also thinks anything is better than death and so choses Mau Mau. Two tribesmen proceed to insert a pineapple into his anus.

The 3rd explorer is brought before the chief. The chief says "chose your punishment - Death Or Mau Mau". This explorer was not blindolded properly and so decides that he would rather die, having seen what happened to the others.

The chief then replies, "Death....by Mau Mau".



sorry.

[IOU!_username]

Some funny quotes I was told about-
"i don't care if we lose every match, as long as we win the league"
"its not pollution that's the problem, it's the impurities in our air and water."
also-
a fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[gatochy]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[Scribe]

one day a guy walks into a bar. ouch.

crap joke but it entertains me.

[Nick_Steel]

Whats purle and hairy and goes up and down

"a gooseberry in a lift"

[Bisyss]

What's red and invisible?







No Tomatoes!!

I have a lot of jokes like this, and quite a few about dead babies as well..... :shock:

[Zweee]

Well, i cant be bothered to post whole jokes, so i just thought id give you the punchlines instead:

Your telling me, i lost the sausage in the third pub.

Well, Not everyones been up the eiffle tower

I needed somewhere to park my bike.

Bastards

A new kitchen

Yes, that will do for now :p

Edit: Pleaaaase dont go into dead baby jokes, i wont be able to stop myself posting offensive dead baby jokes... which would be bad

[GorillaBearBear]

a few 1 liner style ones

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a train?
He was chuffed to bits
advice for Women; don't go looking for a husband
Look for single men instead
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Syphilis
damn, I've forgotten all the others :(

edit: Dead baby Jokes you say?
no...must...resist!

[-=TLE=-]

A man walks into a bar and says to the barkeep.
"Can i have a beer?"
the barkeep replies.
"yeah sure they're £2.50."
the man says.
"I dont have any money but if i show you a miricle will you let me have one?"
"Ok if its a real miricle." replies the barkeep.
"Ok" says the man as he pulls a small grand piano from his bag and places it on the table.
he then proceeds to pull out a hamster from the bag and placing that on the table also says.
"watch very carefully."
A soon as he says this the hamster goes up to the piano and starts playing.
"Wow! That really is a miricle heres your beer."
The man takes his beer and drinks it.
"If i show you another miricle will you give me another beer?" Asked the man.
"If its as good as the last one yes!" Laughed the Barkeep.
"Ok, Here goes."
The man then proceeds to pull out a toad and as he places it on the table he starts singing.
"Blimey thats incredible, i'll buy that off you!" Said the barkeep.
"How much?" Asked the man.
"£500" Replied the barkeep.
"Done said the man, and the both traded the man got the £500 and the barkeep the toad.
The man then hurridly picked up his stuff and ran for the exit.
"Why are you running away?" Shouted the barkeep
"Because the hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

*by the way excuse spelling of miricle and ventriloquist (if thats wrong that is!)*

[Shave]

a woman goes downstairs one night to find here husband crying at the kitchen table. "what's wrong dear?" she asks. the husband is sombre. After a long silence he replies "remember 20 years ago when your father caught having sex on the living room floor", "yes", "and when he held that shotgun to my head and forced me to chose between marrying you and going to prison?", "yes, so what's wrong then". another silence and the husband replies "i would have got out of prison today"

[Shpox]

well this seems useless now but anyway.

"I used Viagra and Ecstacy and my dick fell off"
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

[PJ]

A man walks in to a bar and sees a donkey in the back.
He says to the barman " if i can make your donkey laugh can i have 50 free drinks and if i can't ill give you 50 bucks.
The barman accepted as he knew donkeys didnt laugh.
After a few minutes the donkey started laughing. The man came out and the barman gave him his 50 drinks, but he forgot to ask him how he did it.
The next day he walks in to the bar and says " This time can i have 100 free drinks if i can make it cry.
The barman agreed, but was a bit worried.
Afew minutes later he heard crying.
The man came out and asked for 100 drinks.
The barman said "not until you tell me how you did it".
He said thats easy, yesterday i told it my cock was bigger than his and today i proved it."

Another

A man walks in to a bar and orders 5 drinks.
He downs them all in one, the barman asks him why hes in a rush.
In wich he replied " you would be in a rush if you had what i had."
"what have you got" asked the barman.
"only 50 cent " he shouted as he ran out of the door.

[Bisyss]

A man walks in to a bar and orders 5 drinks.
He downs them all in one, the barman asks him why hes in a rush.
In wich he replied " you would be in a rush if you had what i had."
"what have you got" asked the barman.
"only 50 cent " he shouted as he ran out of the door.
Not sure if that would work in real life, but it's still funny.


What big, green and if it lands on you will kill you?
A field!!

[an_reithe]

why does Michael Jackson like 28yr olds?

because there are twenty of them

[BjorntheViking]

All the dwarves were in a bath feeling Happy, then Happy got out.

[StickEd]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

[dogincognito]

A penguin needs his car fixed, as its making a rather strange noise, so he
takes it to the mechanic.

My car is broken, says the penguin, can you fix it?

No problem says the mechanic, come back in 20 minutes.

So, off goes the penguin. Its a hot day and being a cold climate kinda guy,
he buys himself a 99. The penguin has trouble eating the ice cream however,
the lack of opposable thumbs make it difficult for pengiuns and he got the
ice cream all over his beak, face and wings.

After finishing his ice cream treat he returned to the mechanics.

I found out what the noise was, said the mechanic. It looks like youve blown
a seal!

Oh no, said the pengiun, Ive just been eating an ice cream.

[the architect]

a man walks into a bar and asks for 8 shots of everclear (dangerous I know, but its a joke)

he drinks them all as fast as he can, and the bartender, who was watching curiously asks, "woah, slow down, why are you drinking so fast?"

the man, already a little drunk, says, "you woulds drink quickoly too if you had what I have..."

the bartender, forgetting his manners, says, "What do you have?"

the dazed drinker replies, "Seventy-Five Cents..."


you have to understand $USD$ to understand this one...

[the great sayam]

heres my joke . 3 men are wandering how far elephants pooh will travell in a year so they plug up the elephants bum and they train a monkey to pull the plug out and the men vote on how the pooh will travell so the 1st man says 1 mile the 2nd man says 2 miles and the 3rd man says 3 miles so they wait a year and stand at there mile point so then the monkey pulls out the plug and the pooh gushes over man 1 to the knees of man2 and the feet of man3 so man 3 helps man 2 and says are you alright then man2 helps man1 out and man 1 is laughing and man 2 asks why and man 1 says it a year for the monkey to take the plug out but 1 second to put it back in :p :p :p

[dogincognito]

I was having trouble satisfying the missus so I went to a sex therapist and he told me to pay some 18 year old stud who was hung like a horse to wave a towel over me and the missus while we were at it, he done it for weeks and i still couldnt hit the right notes, so i went back and the therapist told me to wave the towel while the 18 year old got down to it with her, less than 5 minutes of me waving that towel and she was screaming the house down, THATS HOW YOU WAVE A BLOODY TOWEL SON is all I had to say.

[Paradigm^]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

OK, a longer one now:

A vicar is having a nice country ramble in the country, strolling down the winding country lanes as rambling vicars do. On his travels, he comes across a farm, and as he passes, he sees this most beautiful horse in one of the stables. And because he's a country vicar, he likes horses, and knows how to appreciate a good horse (no, not like that, you sick bastards). So he goes into the stables and examines the horse, and comes to the conclusion that that is the finest horse on the planet. And he wants to buy it.

So the vicar goes and knocks on the little cottagey door, and a man opens the door. Well, the vicar goes in, and tells the man he wants to buy the horse. They sit and talk over tea and biscuits in a nice, countryish way, and the vicar finds out that the man is also a devout Christian and that his faith in God has helped him through the hard times. And they build up such a nice rapport that the man agrees to sell the horse to the vicar. The deal's done.

So the vicar goes to the stables, pops on the saddle, grabs the reins, and shouts "Giddyup!" But the horse doesn't move. And he shouts all the commands he knows in an effort to get the horse to start strolling off, but it is to no avail. Annoyed, he goes back and rings the doorbell. "You've sold me a horse that doesn't move!" he said, annoyed. 'Oh, no, sorry, let me explain...' says the man. 'Because of my faith in God, I've trained it to only start moving when I say "Praise the Lord!" Similarly, it will only stop when I say The Lord's Prayer, as I like to finish my ride with thanks to God.' And the vicar is terribly chuffed, thanks the man, and goes off.

So, on the horse he gets, and with a "Praise the Lord," the horse goes flying off at an unimaginable speed, and the vicar loves it. And he races and races through the country on this horse, the wind in his hair, and he's really enjoying himself. All day he races, and eventually he looks up to see that the horse is careering at tremendous speed towards the edge of a cliff!

"Wooooah!" he says, but nothing, and the horse continues flying towards the edge of the cliff. "STOP, stop!," but nothing. And all the while the horse goes flying off to certain doom, as the vicar tries to remember how to get the creature to stop. And then he remembers!

"ourfatherwhichartinheavenhallowedbethynamethykingd omcomethywillbedoneinearthasitisinheavengiveusthis dayourdailybreadandforgiveusourtrespassesasweforgi vethemthattrespassagainstusandleadusnotintotemptat ionbutdeliverusfromevilamen!" he says, all in one breath. And the horse screeches to a halt, millimetres from the edge of the cliff. And the vicar sighs in relief, crossing himself, and looks up to the heavens to thank God for saving him... "Praise the Lord!"

[Spiker]

here's a joke,

a burglar is robbing a house when he hears a voice say 'jesus is watching!' he ignores it
and carrys on, he then hears the voice again say 'jesus is watching!', so he turn's around
and finds a parrot, so he says 'who are you?'and the parrot says 'i am moses!'so the guy
says 'who calls a parrot moses? and the parrot says 'a person who calls a rotweiller jesus!

[pie warrior]

A blonde a brown haired womand and a red head are in a bar when the barkeeper comes over and sais if you tell a lie to this mirrir you will be sucked in forever if you tell the truth you win a prize so the brown haired woman sais "i have brown hair" she gets a prize the read head goes over and sais "i have read hair and gets a perize so the blonde haired woman goes over and sais "i think...."
and gets sucked in. :eek: