Zombies

[bionic sheep]

I think about Zombies far too much.

You have to agree, however, that Zombies really do kick arse. It would be very cool if, one morning, I woke up and everyone was zombiefied, or whatever you call it.

But thing is, if I got bitten (and we're accepting that bites are the way that the infection spreads by default, here) the fun would stop. So I'd need a plan, just in case.

So I made one.

I think if I woke up one morning and found the country full of zombies my first reaction would be to eat breakfast. But then I'd get to the fun business of killing stuff. I might have to take out my family, which might suck a bit, but if possible I'd just leave them behind and hope we came across a cure for cool people. Then I'd take our car. Our car would be the best for zombies; it's like a tank. Absolutely massive and armoured like anything, plus giant automatic windows and sunroof for multiple zombie killing perspectives. I'd grab that and stick some blades to the sides, load up the back with anything handy for zombie killing; spades, cricket bats, tactical nuclear missiles, just the normal junk from my garage. Then I'd cruise on down to Morrisons in the down centre and load up with a ton of food and drink.

After that, I'd head to Travis Perkins, a builders merchant just across the road. You see, I can dump all the food and start to fortify using all the bricks, concrete and other stuff lying around. It'd be fantastic, like a giant fort that nothing can get in or out of except through one exit. Oh yeah, and another exit via the roof and a ladder. Zombies can't climb ladders. Too stiff, see. Of course, once I'd finished that (and probably got a couple of other survivors on board) I'd try and contact my mates in Brentwood, see if they wanted to come down to my incredible fortress. If I got hungry, I'd head back to Morrisons and get more food; if I got bored, I go out and start killing zombies.

Of course, this is assuming we're dealing with slow zombies, ala Shawn of the Dead; if we were dealing with the fast, Dawn of the Dead zombies, I'd be fucked.

We all need a plan, just in case of zombies. You're all free to join me, if you like, in Travis Perkins, but it's worth having your own plan. What would yours be?

[Chavvy]

Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?

:)

[Yorkshire Tea]

Head to the local police station and, assuming the place isn't actually a front for some evil mutagenic research company, raid the drug caches the superintendent's stashed over the years.

[Shave]

if the world is going to be eaten by zombies then i'll just go down the the local supermarket and eat till i die. i ain't being no zombie fool!

[Sebastian]

Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?

:)
Lol, classic film!

[BlueberryMuffin]

I know it may sound horrible, but I've always wanted to go looting. It just looks like so much fun, grabbing whatever you want for free.
So first off I'd probably drive down to the local super-store, ride shopping trolleys around the abandoned isles, knock over some meticulously stacked displays, grab as much stuff as I can and then leave. Along the way, I'd probably grab some sort of weapon, then I'd go on a mini-rampage, and then kill myself, as being a zombie doesn't sound like much fun.

[Liz]

I'd grab that and stick some blades to the sides, load up the back with anything handy for zombie killing; spades, cricket bats, tactical nuclear missiles, just the normal junk from my garage.

you have tactical nuclear missiles laying around usually then?

[tom93]

first I'd empty the fridge into my room, then I'd put furniture in the way of the door.
I'd live off of my salvaged food for a week or 2, then I'd escape out of the window, and go to burger king.
Why?
deep fryer. (sp?)
the zombies would be pwned, and delicious!

[El Kabong]

Like I do in any emergency, I'd run straight to the liquor store and drink myself too stupid to care.

[Boyinabox]

...and stick some blades to the sides, load up the back with anything handy for zombie killing; spades, cricket bats, tactical nuclear missiles, just the normal junk from my garage...
...start to fortify using all the bricks, concrete and other stuff lying around. It'd be fantastic, like a giant fort that nothing can get in or out of except through one exit. Oh yeah, and another exit via the roof and a ladder.
Someone's been playing the Onslaught Mod for Garry's Mod. :)

If I found that a zombie outbreak had occured I'd first barracade myself in my room and go on the net to contact any survivors to see if a resistance could be formed.
Then I'd nick the car like Sheepy and travel to the Hunting store nearby to see if they had any shotguns I could pick up. If not I'd make do with a fishing rod and nick a boat (since Zombies can't swim), gradually going down the Thames until I could reach France in true Dunkirk style.

And then if the Frenchies were also Zombies I'd be completely fucked. :p

[Magpie]

go down like a bitch to be completely realistic.

I really could not hack zombies, its not just that they're horrible monsters, it's the fact that they look like the people you love and know. Even if they were trying to eat me I don't think I could do anything to resist.

So probably for the best that I'll die and not be the one that compromises anyone's last stronghold against the dead.

[carpefula]

I'd get really really drunk

[slush puppy]

I would pretend to be a zombie myself,slut myself up and become their queen.They would then do everything i demanded of them until humans were once again alive and then id be ready to take over the world:)

[carpefula]

HHmmm like Mrs Coulter controlling the Spectres in HDM.

That's a good idea. You'd have to be able to lead them to a huge supply of fresh living people though...otherwise what else would you have to offer them?

Just you...and then they's eat you.

[maw3193]

I don't form emotional attachments to anything but computers. Family member dies, "shame", *goes back to doing whatever I was doing, wanking, probably*. Computer dies, Vader style NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo
And start gibbering in a corner. Cold hearted sociopath, oh yeah!

So, no problem killing zombies.
Of course, I could just hide in the loft until they bugger off...
Alternatively, use the junk in the loft to make some superweapon (A-team style, but with actual killing)

[Twatybollocks]

I have a zombie shelter. I recently had my antic converted 'to provide more storage space' and it cost £270 to have some boards put in, an electric light and a folding set of steel ladders installed.

I refer to it as my Zombie shelter and my wife laughs at this....but we'll see who's laughing when I'm up there safe and sound and she's having her juicy gooey bits eaten out of her skull...oh yes!! We'll see who's 'crazy' then!

All I need to do is sneak up some basic supplies and I'm ready for when there's no more room in hell....

[woobi]

I'd hide in a department store...why?
Tall, secure and you can drop things on the massing amount of zombies outside.
And it's full of stuff.
Beds, beer, bouncy castles, food, heavy objects, beer.

[Redux]

First, I would watch some Steven Seagal movies.

http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/steven_seagal_1.jpg

After watching about twenty of them I would be a Kung Fu Genius.

Now, you see, zombie Kung Fu isn't too good, so I would take advantage of their inadequate skills. I would destroy every zombie in hand to hand combat, regardless of the numbers, much like Jackie Chan or Jet Li. Here is a rough sketch of the onslaught.

http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/8814/mrheebrucelee2mc.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

So then I would call a friend of mine. Hopefully he would have a big knife, because a big knife increases the value of any person. He would be my sidekick. I could call him something cool, like, you know, KNIFE BOY! Great ring to it, am I right? It's all in the name.

http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/3264/11253372033368fn.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Then, I would search for new allies.

http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/2720/11252991338570qy.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/5572/11254269116387vk.gif (http://imageshack.us)

http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/1773/11254051189869bu.gif (http://imageshack.us)

We would cure the world of zombies by killing all of them. Not exactly a daunting task, considering my thorough mastery of everything Kung Fu.

[slush puppy]

(carpefula) i would feed them the horrible animals that dont matter like........earwigs,small,but i would magic them big so the zombies could have big feeding sessions tee hee

[mc_hairy_leigh]

...I am teh zombie hunta. All zombies will die. DIE I SAY!!! DDDDIIIEEEE!!!!!

[carpefula]

(carpefula) i would feed them the horrible animals that dont matter like........earwigs,small,but i would magic them big so the zombies could have big feeding sessions tee hee

can i join your Zombie combat crew? Your plan seems fool-proof!

[Announce]

I would go to the church. It's a big strong building with big strong doors...

And zombies might not be able to go near the church like vampires; and like how - I think it's the headless horseman - can't cross water.

[slush puppy]

(carpefula) course you can...oh yes we will be unstoppable!mwahaha...i mean were the goodies:)

[renatzu]

I'd dance!

[woobi]

We'd all dance.
*dances a fine jig*

[Cynic]

I get whatever survivors I could find, go to my local Tescos where all the food is they patrol in ever increasing circles to clear the area of zombies.

[bionic sheep]

Someone's been playing the Onslaught Mod for Garry's Mod. :)
That mod makes my trousers happy.

<3

[lattherobogirl]

I'd lock my door, go back to sleep and wait for someone to SAVE THE DAY!

[Hydralisk]

you have tactical nuclear missiles laying around usually then?

I do as well... you say it like its a bad thing...

anyhoo - there is an abandoned mental hospital near where I live. Yes, you read correctly. So, I would take my surviving family and mates, nip down to the local garagefor supplies, and then head up to the ol' nut area.

You see, it is literally built like a fortress - hills, a stream/trench and fences everywhere. We would go up to one of the buildings (clocktower probs) and then fortify the area. Randomly nipping down to the town center and kill a couple hundred of them, and get food while we're there.

I'd get a few quads/dirt bikes if possible too - driveby!.

Weapons of choice - really big knife or two slightly smaller knifes. Darts (fucking loads of them), old discs (throw them a'la' Shawn of the Dead).
Chainsaws and Axes would be welcome additions as well, but the list is based on improvision while we're legging it.

Fast or slow zombies (innuendo?), I'd take them on.

EDIT - I'd consider going to the UGC cinema in glasgow (now cineworld - bastards put prices up), the biggest cinema in the world, and make my last stand there.

[Sheepymot]

My weapon of choice would be a mace, like the ones they have in medieval fairs.

Actually, I'll get Xhi BIT to pimp my ride, with some bitchin weapons on the front so I can mow the unded down, that'd be fun!

We be limpin' (zombies always seem to limp)

[Preasure]

I'd get all the shotguns we have, get on a tractor, and bomb it off to the nearest town to do some serious roadkill. If I got the chance, I'd pick up some automatic weapons, a katana maybe, and eventually go to ground and kill muchly ninja style.

[Mat^]

Right, first off, I'd get up in the morning because I'd hear scratching at my door, thinking a cat got in during the night i open the door up and see a slightly bloody bloke, I'd be all "Dude! Who are you and why are you in my house" and he'd be all "gaaaaaaaarrrrr" and I'd be all "dude, no, get off" and then I'd grab under my bed and pull out this iron rod I have under there (you never know) and then I'd hit him with it... A few times, then I'd be all like, geting my plastic baseball bat which is full of like, weird goo to make it swing faster, and I'd check on my mum, and luckyily she was in the shower when she turned, tring to get the blood off her, so she's behind a locked door.

I'd go downstairs and check how the bloke got in, "ah" I'd say, he got in through the open window, so I lock it closed and look around and find no other zombies and then I'd call me friends on thier mobiles and I'd be all like "doooood, zombies" and they'd be all "yeaaaaaaah!" and I'd be all "I'll drive to your place oh wait I don't know to get to you by carrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrr" and then I'd have a sandwich, lightly toasted, probably turkey, might add a little cream cheese.

And then I'd sit 'til the food runs out and then go to the gardeners place 1 minuite away and see how I do there because they have lots of things that could be interesting.

...That is of course... "If" it happens...

...I need to get out more don't I?

[maw3193]

HAR HAR! Onslaught rules! except when my barneys keep on whining at me to help, then I fall off my fortifications and the fast zombies get me, and then I run out of ammo and accidentally rip apart my base with a physics gun and have to noclip my way into the air for safety while I repair the damage then the combine start shooting me with energy balls.


GENERAL HEALTH WARNING: Do not try to read the above post. Anyway, DIE ZOMBIES by my rather crap BB gun.

[mittens]

By the time I woke up, there would really be no reason to expect salvation, so why not groove with it? Eat some brains and destroy some lives.

[T3-X]

I read some of these posts before mine, and it seems you have lost the true vision of the zombie scenario (Giant Earwigs, what the hell?). I am sure you feel both ignorant and at a loss when it comes to Zombie preparation, so let me teach you...

First of all, buy this book:
http://x7.putfile.com/9/24421444269.jpg (http://www.putfile.com)
(Note the wear and creases, you may also want to put this in to look like an accomplished zombie fighter. Also note the entire legitimacy of this book. You heard me, it's real)

Preparation:

-Buy at least two firearms with at least seven full clips apiece.
-buy a machete, and a survival kit.
-Be aware of any important buildings/locations that might be nearby. This is vital for surviving a zombie attack.
-Discuss any emergency meeting locations with your family in case of an attack. You must also be sure your family doesn't feel uncomfortable with shooting an infected relative, reassure them it is the right thing to do.
-Purchase an old van, one without rear windows. Keep in mind it doesnt need to be insured, and it is simply a temporary means of transportation for you, other zombie survivors, and supplies.
-Go to the firing range at least once a week, and keep your equipment in operating condition.
-Attempt to start a zombie survival club. This may be under ridiculed, but you must remember you need as many survivors as possible to rebuild humanity. Your entire club should wear emergency pagers.
-You may also feel to add more to your arsenal, but refrain from buying swords and axes, these are generally for decorative purposes only, and are very unreliable.

The First Signs:

NOTE: It is commonly assumed zombie attacks are in the mornings, unfortunately, it can be any time.

By now your dilgent scouring of newspapers and radio stations should have reported to you a zombie outbreak. It is time to step into action. Frist, find all family memebrs and assemble them in one room. Lock the doors and windows, while paying careful attention to any movement in a room. Establish the buddy system, and page th others once you have confirmed the outbreak.

Although it may seem like a wise idea, staying in your home is a very unintelligent action. Most homes aren't built to withstand a constant zombie barrage, and will no protect you for long. If your house has a second or third floor, with stairs that can be easily disabled, then this would be an exception. Apartments are likely the least safe place to be, so be sure to have an alternate place to go.

Now you must don appropriate attire. I reccommend shielding your biceps, shoulders, and ankles with denim, wire mesh, and even shoulder pads, knee pads, etc. The vast majority of zombie bites are on these areas, and this will greatly reduce your chance of being bitten. You should also make some sort of harness for your more vital supplies. This ensures you are always prepared.

Once you have the (living) members of your household in your van. Head towards the zombie group's meeting place. Try to use back alleys as much as possible, as less traffic will likely have blocked these roads.

Hopefully you have met up with your zombie group, and are ready to move on to your next stop: The Gun Shop. The number of guns varies, but you should always hoard as many bullets as you can. Leave a note telling where you will be, this will help others find you, and justify you taking all of the bullets. I reccomend grabbing crossbows or composite bows, as they are silent, and won't alert any unwanted guests to your location, but most of all, the ammunition can also be improvised, which makes it more useful than any other ranged weapon you could have

Now onto the most essential stop: The Shopping Market. Only buy canned or dried foods, and be sure to stock up on any vitamins you can find, as well as the large water containers. You should leave a note here also.

And now, to your final destination...

The Safehouse:

Your safehouse must be windowless (or well boarded up), and have only two doors. Access to the roof is a must, and it would be much more efficient to simply stock up with the necessary supplies there.Immediatley fill up all water containers, since plumbing is a luxury. Be prepared to have to pack up and leave on a moment's notice. Try to keep yourself from going insane by having a large suppliy of games, movies, etc. You should also have a generator with gasoline, dynamo radio, and if it can be afforded a solar panel system or wind turbine. This will guarantee power, which will be a great advantage. Be aware that you might need explosives to disperse any dangerous number of zombies, but only use it as a last minute resort, and you are sure alerting more zombies cannot make the situation any more worse.

The Enemy:

-Zombies can only be killed from a blow or severing of the head.
-Zombies are relentless, and never sleep.
-It is possible zombies will live for over three years.
-Zombies are not alive, and have no relation to who they might have been before the became infected.
-Zombies cannot swim.
-Zombies are slow, this is your main advantage against them.
-Zombies are not subject to paying most focus to only sight, as the living are. This allows them to hear or smell a living person much more easily, making discretion your primary survival tool.



NOTE: If you have an infected person with you, and feel the urge to not kill them, I reccomend three things:
1. Imprison or restrain the subject as soon as possible.
2. Attempt to use as many non conflicting antibiotics as possible on the infected as soon as you can. Most characteristics of the zombie virus point to it being not a virus at all, but a bacterium. If this is so, something as simple as penicillin could be able to cure the subject if treated early. It is also possible the infection could be naturally fought off, but highly unlikely.
3. If the subject dies, make sure it is permanent.

This ends my mini zombie survival tutorial, but is highly recommended you get the aforementioned book, as it thoroughly covers the subject of Zombie survival. Power to the living, and see you after it's over.