gxfu
05-01-2006, 11:00 PM
I do a lot of satire writing. It is my passion.
(hence, the strong liking to authors such as Dave Barry and Scott Adams).
Here is an old thing I dug up from my dA page.
I hope your eyes don't explode.
Recently, the US Department of Making Discoveries that are Quite Obvious has discovered that in this past decade, the number of obese people in America has escalated exponentially, almost as fast as the rapidity of the growth of their waistlines. Many of these creatures habituate in the local fast-food restaurant near your house. Their main source of prey is a lard-laden hamburger, which they hunt anytime they have time to stop for a dollar menu meal.
In fact, I do have a friend that’s been a victim of this obese pandemic. Let’s call him “Hubert,” in a blatant attempt to disguise this person’s identity. One day, when Hubert woke up, he decided to step onto a weight scale. What he found was something that was a bit shocking. It seemed as though his weight was as large as an NFL defensive lineman’s. Or his car’s.
Now, what would I suggest to do?
The first option that would come to anyone’s mind would be to disguise their weight. There are two choices in disguising weight: wearing extremely baggy clothes, or wearing stripes. The latter option is one that never works, because it is a known fact that anyone who has the desperation to wear ugly stripes probably has a weight problem. Baggy clothes would be a way to go, except they make you look extremely chavvy, and you might as well go hang out in the “get-oh, you, maw dawg.” This is a strict no-no. Don’t do this unless you want to run away from your problems, which I do think a good deal of you will.
The second option is to pick a good diet. This “diet” does not mean going to Subway and hoping that you will become as skinny as Jared in two weeks. I would bet anyone my kidneys if anyone would successfully rely only on a Subway diet to lose weight and not develop anorexic/binge-eating habits. In fact, if you watch the bottom of any Subway Jared commercial, you will find that in very small print, it says “Jared eats at Subway weekly and exercises three times a week.”
What I do mean by establishing a diet is to limit your intake of fatty foods. Yes, it is possible to do this without going insane. No, fifteen “lite” TV dinners is not going to do it. It all boils down to your self-control, and frankly that’s the reason that not many sensible people are able to diet.
And then the final option is one that brings many people shock to their hearts. It is the e-word. Exercise.
Many people find it embarrassing to walk into a gym or a swimming pool and go and try to exercise, because, quite frankly, they’re afraid of being called “fat.” It also takes a iron will to get off the sofa and drag yourself to exercise. This is the biggest reason that Americans are so fat. They are lazier than a habitual procrastinating teenager. Ever heard of the geeks? They hardly move their butts off of a chair, let alone onto a treadmill. And society is only making it worse by sites such as “ThinkGeek dot Com,” a site just for computer-fanatical dweebs who spew out lines of computer code spontaneously, type at 928 words per minute, and have memorized, copied, recreated, remixed, and worshipped the song “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.”
But I digress. These are three ways with dealing with weight, and apparently not many people can follow them without injuring themselves. Fortunately, Phil I MEAN Hubert was able to fit in exercising into his schedule, controlled his diet, and I praise the lord that he didn’t try to disguise his weight. He managed to slim down himself and now only weighs as much as a professional baseball player’s car.
Somebody please shoot me.
(hence, the strong liking to authors such as Dave Barry and Scott Adams).
Here is an old thing I dug up from my dA page.
I hope your eyes don't explode.
Recently, the US Department of Making Discoveries that are Quite Obvious has discovered that in this past decade, the number of obese people in America has escalated exponentially, almost as fast as the rapidity of the growth of their waistlines. Many of these creatures habituate in the local fast-food restaurant near your house. Their main source of prey is a lard-laden hamburger, which they hunt anytime they have time to stop for a dollar menu meal.
In fact, I do have a friend that’s been a victim of this obese pandemic. Let’s call him “Hubert,” in a blatant attempt to disguise this person’s identity. One day, when Hubert woke up, he decided to step onto a weight scale. What he found was something that was a bit shocking. It seemed as though his weight was as large as an NFL defensive lineman’s. Or his car’s.
Now, what would I suggest to do?
The first option that would come to anyone’s mind would be to disguise their weight. There are two choices in disguising weight: wearing extremely baggy clothes, or wearing stripes. The latter option is one that never works, because it is a known fact that anyone who has the desperation to wear ugly stripes probably has a weight problem. Baggy clothes would be a way to go, except they make you look extremely chavvy, and you might as well go hang out in the “get-oh, you, maw dawg.” This is a strict no-no. Don’t do this unless you want to run away from your problems, which I do think a good deal of you will.
The second option is to pick a good diet. This “diet” does not mean going to Subway and hoping that you will become as skinny as Jared in two weeks. I would bet anyone my kidneys if anyone would successfully rely only on a Subway diet to lose weight and not develop anorexic/binge-eating habits. In fact, if you watch the bottom of any Subway Jared commercial, you will find that in very small print, it says “Jared eats at Subway weekly and exercises three times a week.”
What I do mean by establishing a diet is to limit your intake of fatty foods. Yes, it is possible to do this without going insane. No, fifteen “lite” TV dinners is not going to do it. It all boils down to your self-control, and frankly that’s the reason that not many sensible people are able to diet.
And then the final option is one that brings many people shock to their hearts. It is the e-word. Exercise.
Many people find it embarrassing to walk into a gym or a swimming pool and go and try to exercise, because, quite frankly, they’re afraid of being called “fat.” It also takes a iron will to get off the sofa and drag yourself to exercise. This is the biggest reason that Americans are so fat. They are lazier than a habitual procrastinating teenager. Ever heard of the geeks? They hardly move their butts off of a chair, let alone onto a treadmill. And society is only making it worse by sites such as “ThinkGeek dot Com,” a site just for computer-fanatical dweebs who spew out lines of computer code spontaneously, type at 928 words per minute, and have memorized, copied, recreated, remixed, and worshipped the song “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.”
But I digress. These are three ways with dealing with weight, and apparently not many people can follow them without injuring themselves. Fortunately, Phil I MEAN Hubert was able to fit in exercising into his schedule, controlled his diet, and I praise the lord that he didn’t try to disguise his weight. He managed to slim down himself and now only weighs as much as a professional baseball player’s car.
Somebody please shoot me.