Al
08-01-2006, 07:14 PM
Hello. When I get access to my FTP back I will post some of my old Notes, but I suppose I shall now write new ones.
This week, How to Leave Your Home Unoccupied.
How To Leave Your Home Unoccupied
Dear tenant,
An unbiased and religiously neutral festive greeting to you. Over the following week or two we expect your property to be empty, despite having easily-openable doors and no working house alarm. This is our fault, but as we are not prepared to admit it, it is your problem.
We request that you follow a few procedures before vacating your property for the pickings of the local chav population. Firstly, to prevent your house flooding, please turn off the water at the stopcock. This will either be in the kitchen or in the garage. If it is not in the kitchen or the garage we have forgotten to install one and this again is your problem if the house floods, due to us not having a responsible bone in our collective body.
Secondly, we require that the central heating be left on at a minimum of 15 degrees. Ostensibly, the reason for this is to prevent the water freezing in the pipes at the arctic temperatures we experience yearly in South Manchester. Notwithstanding scrutiny at this point, we must advise, is the fact that moving water is extremely unlikely to freeze at winter temperatures and fifteen degrees is a ludicrous amount of heating for a house that will have no one in it.
Besides, the pressure in your boiler keeps dropping and since we refuse to fix that as well, you'll run out of water in the central heating system anyway and you won't be able to fill it up because you've turned off the water. Of course, you haven't turned off the water, because you can't.
Anyway, it's not like your house can be heated. We have fully no intention of replacing any of the windows or insulating any of the pipes because we prefer to see you buckle and wilt under the immense financial pressure.
Thirdly, turn off the gas. This will render the boiler inactive, so don't do it. If you don't do it and there's a gas explosion, your insurance will not cover it, because we told you to do it.
Fourthly, turn off the electricity, apart from the supply to the fire alarms (which is already off because the alarms won't shut up) and the house alarm (which doesn't work). Also, leave lights on. Don't close the curtains, because this means that you're not in the house. If you leave the lights on and the curtains open, people will realise that no one ever closes the curtains when it gets dark or turns the lights off when it gets light. We suggest that, since it's dark more than it is light these days, you should leave them closed. You must leave your curtains open because your rooms need light for health reasons: a fact which I just smartly pulled out of my arse. My suggestion to you is that you leave some lights on but turn the electricity off. This seems the best compromise.
There is no reason to turn the electricity off. We want to see if you will do it.
When you leave, remember to lock all the doors and windows, all of which are easier to open from the outside without a key than with a key. Also, remember to turn on the house alarm, which doesn't work, and make sure the fire alarms, which we know don't work, work. Turn off the lights and electricity, and make sure the gas and water aren't using the same pipe. Explain third-order polynomials to special needs kids before locking up, just in case.
We wish you a jovial generic winter period and a festive recalibration of the standard annual calendar.
Yours,
[scribble]
Estate Agent
P.S. We will shortly be sending you a letter asking for your permission to show people around your house in the last few months of your lease, even though it's in your contract and you have to. We would be grateful for your recommendations of our properties to prospective clients. We appreciate that it will be a cold day in hell when you do this, but rest assured we have contacted the boss and he has agreed to freeze it over in the new year.
This week, How to Leave Your Home Unoccupied.
How To Leave Your Home Unoccupied
Dear tenant,
An unbiased and religiously neutral festive greeting to you. Over the following week or two we expect your property to be empty, despite having easily-openable doors and no working house alarm. This is our fault, but as we are not prepared to admit it, it is your problem.
We request that you follow a few procedures before vacating your property for the pickings of the local chav population. Firstly, to prevent your house flooding, please turn off the water at the stopcock. This will either be in the kitchen or in the garage. If it is not in the kitchen or the garage we have forgotten to install one and this again is your problem if the house floods, due to us not having a responsible bone in our collective body.
Secondly, we require that the central heating be left on at a minimum of 15 degrees. Ostensibly, the reason for this is to prevent the water freezing in the pipes at the arctic temperatures we experience yearly in South Manchester. Notwithstanding scrutiny at this point, we must advise, is the fact that moving water is extremely unlikely to freeze at winter temperatures and fifteen degrees is a ludicrous amount of heating for a house that will have no one in it.
Besides, the pressure in your boiler keeps dropping and since we refuse to fix that as well, you'll run out of water in the central heating system anyway and you won't be able to fill it up because you've turned off the water. Of course, you haven't turned off the water, because you can't.
Anyway, it's not like your house can be heated. We have fully no intention of replacing any of the windows or insulating any of the pipes because we prefer to see you buckle and wilt under the immense financial pressure.
Thirdly, turn off the gas. This will render the boiler inactive, so don't do it. If you don't do it and there's a gas explosion, your insurance will not cover it, because we told you to do it.
Fourthly, turn off the electricity, apart from the supply to the fire alarms (which is already off because the alarms won't shut up) and the house alarm (which doesn't work). Also, leave lights on. Don't close the curtains, because this means that you're not in the house. If you leave the lights on and the curtains open, people will realise that no one ever closes the curtains when it gets dark or turns the lights off when it gets light. We suggest that, since it's dark more than it is light these days, you should leave them closed. You must leave your curtains open because your rooms need light for health reasons: a fact which I just smartly pulled out of my arse. My suggestion to you is that you leave some lights on but turn the electricity off. This seems the best compromise.
There is no reason to turn the electricity off. We want to see if you will do it.
When you leave, remember to lock all the doors and windows, all of which are easier to open from the outside without a key than with a key. Also, remember to turn on the house alarm, which doesn't work, and make sure the fire alarms, which we know don't work, work. Turn off the lights and electricity, and make sure the gas and water aren't using the same pipe. Explain third-order polynomials to special needs kids before locking up, just in case.
We wish you a jovial generic winter period and a festive recalibration of the standard annual calendar.
Yours,
[scribble]
Estate Agent
P.S. We will shortly be sending you a letter asking for your permission to show people around your house in the last few months of your lease, even though it's in your contract and you have to. We would be grateful for your recommendations of our properties to prospective clients. We appreciate that it will be a cold day in hell when you do this, but rest assured we have contacted the boss and he has agreed to freeze it over in the new year.