faragher
10-01-2006, 02:38 PM
One more try. I actually quite like this one, but still welcome feedback. Could do with a couple more myths to debunk from some city folk...
***WOO! Edited with pictures and a few additions for extra funnies!***
Country Myths
This is for all you city dwellers. Time to set the record straight on a few myths surrounding country life.
Everyone who lives in the country is inbred.
Not true. You might think that all these isolated communities would have had problems with the gene pool. But you forget. These are farmers. They understand breeding things. They know what happens if you don't 'inject' fresh genes every now and again. However, this is not true of some areas. I'm not going to name them, because we all know that I'm talking about North Devon*.
http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/6466/devon6op.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Monday afternoon, North Devon
Everyone who lives in the country is educationally subnormal.
Not true. It's just that quite often rural dwellers tend to apply their intelligence in different ways. For example, instead of working out a clever quip based on the current zeitgeist and/or politics of the day, they make sure that the cows don't die so that you can get the milk for your choco-mocho-latte-chinos you ungrateful pricks. And just because they seem to take a while to respond, it's not because they're stupid, it's because they're actually thinking about what you said and considering what would be an appropriate response, whereas you city muppets just allow your espresso, cocaine and designer beer addled brains to fire off whatever comes first.
Everyone who lives in the country deliberately gives incorrect directions to tourists.
Actually, this one is true. Learn to read a map, suckers!
Everyone who lives in the country is in favour of hunting.
A tricky one this. My views are automatically discounted as my mother once spent 20 minutes on the platform at Paddington whilst she was pregnant, making me 'interfering city folk who come down here telling us how to live our lives'. My wife has no such disadvantage however, and has explained at some length how she, and many rural folk, feel about the practice of hunting. I paraphrase:
"The sooner we get those smug, red jacketed, posh fuckers of those horses, and get them doing some real work; the sooner we can stop paying them subsidies to plant crops that nobody wants or needs."
Subtle, but (I hope you'll agree) effective.
http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/9859/foxhunting6ml.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
A smug, red jacketed, posh fucker. On a horse. Not working.
Everyone who lives in the country hates people from the city.
Not true. Well, not always. We quite like you really. We especially like the fact you come visit and spend money. However, a few tips to make your stay more enjoyable:
- The countryside is not any more 'quaint' than Peckham is 'vibrant'.
- Farming is quite important. This means we get upset when you leave gates open, allow your poodle to harrass lambing sheep, or try to overtake a tractor on a blind bend.
- And whilst we're on driving. You see the hedge at the side of the road? Drive closer to it. And 4x4's are no more suitable for the country than the city. And learn to reverse.
- We know it smells, so don't remind us. At least you can breathe.
- If you don't like it, why do you keep visiting? But while you're here, how about you spend more money?
Everyone who lives in the country goes all quiet when you walk into a pub.
This does happen. But I think the real misconception is why it happens. It's not that we're checking you out with an eye to making pies; more often than not its incredulous disbelief. It may be perfectly acceptable to wear your high heeled boots, skinny jeans, and cashmere shrug in Hoxton, but here we actually consider the conditions outside before heading out. In any case, no-one dresses up for the pub. And that haircut? How is that practical in a village where the electricity doesn't work one morning in ten.
There are more myths, but frankly I haven't the time to discuss them. I've got some holiday cottages to burn down.
* If you are from North Devon, please feel free to exchange this for Norfolk. Having been to both, there's little between them. Unless you distinguish between webbed fingers, and webbed toes...
***WOO! Edited with pictures and a few additions for extra funnies!***
Country Myths
This is for all you city dwellers. Time to set the record straight on a few myths surrounding country life.
Everyone who lives in the country is inbred.
Not true. You might think that all these isolated communities would have had problems with the gene pool. But you forget. These are farmers. They understand breeding things. They know what happens if you don't 'inject' fresh genes every now and again. However, this is not true of some areas. I'm not going to name them, because we all know that I'm talking about North Devon*.
http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/6466/devon6op.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Monday afternoon, North Devon
Everyone who lives in the country is educationally subnormal.
Not true. It's just that quite often rural dwellers tend to apply their intelligence in different ways. For example, instead of working out a clever quip based on the current zeitgeist and/or politics of the day, they make sure that the cows don't die so that you can get the milk for your choco-mocho-latte-chinos you ungrateful pricks. And just because they seem to take a while to respond, it's not because they're stupid, it's because they're actually thinking about what you said and considering what would be an appropriate response, whereas you city muppets just allow your espresso, cocaine and designer beer addled brains to fire off whatever comes first.
Everyone who lives in the country deliberately gives incorrect directions to tourists.
Actually, this one is true. Learn to read a map, suckers!
Everyone who lives in the country is in favour of hunting.
A tricky one this. My views are automatically discounted as my mother once spent 20 minutes on the platform at Paddington whilst she was pregnant, making me 'interfering city folk who come down here telling us how to live our lives'. My wife has no such disadvantage however, and has explained at some length how she, and many rural folk, feel about the practice of hunting. I paraphrase:
"The sooner we get those smug, red jacketed, posh fuckers of those horses, and get them doing some real work; the sooner we can stop paying them subsidies to plant crops that nobody wants or needs."
Subtle, but (I hope you'll agree) effective.
http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/9859/foxhunting6ml.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
A smug, red jacketed, posh fucker. On a horse. Not working.
Everyone who lives in the country hates people from the city.
Not true. Well, not always. We quite like you really. We especially like the fact you come visit and spend money. However, a few tips to make your stay more enjoyable:
- The countryside is not any more 'quaint' than Peckham is 'vibrant'.
- Farming is quite important. This means we get upset when you leave gates open, allow your poodle to harrass lambing sheep, or try to overtake a tractor on a blind bend.
- And whilst we're on driving. You see the hedge at the side of the road? Drive closer to it. And 4x4's are no more suitable for the country than the city. And learn to reverse.
- We know it smells, so don't remind us. At least you can breathe.
- If you don't like it, why do you keep visiting? But while you're here, how about you spend more money?
Everyone who lives in the country goes all quiet when you walk into a pub.
This does happen. But I think the real misconception is why it happens. It's not that we're checking you out with an eye to making pies; more often than not its incredulous disbelief. It may be perfectly acceptable to wear your high heeled boots, skinny jeans, and cashmere shrug in Hoxton, but here we actually consider the conditions outside before heading out. In any case, no-one dresses up for the pub. And that haircut? How is that practical in a village where the electricity doesn't work one morning in ten.
There are more myths, but frankly I haven't the time to discuss them. I've got some holiday cottages to burn down.
* If you are from North Devon, please feel free to exchange this for Norfolk. Having been to both, there's little between them. Unless you distinguish between webbed fingers, and webbed toes...