IrishSteve
11-01-2006, 08:16 PM
No, you haven’t traveled back to 1989. I speak of course, of the country of New Zealand. It’s not quite enough to strike fear into the hearts of grown men, but this innocent little country has a lot to answer for. Though many of us hadn’t even heard of it until The Lord of the Rings. Well you hadn’t, had you?
I’ve recently come back from New Zealand and I’m going to share my experiences with you all. Let’s do it!
New Zealanders are a confused people –
New Zealanders are more commonly known to the rest of the world, and themselves, as Kiwi’s. Any country that considers their people a fruit, is asking for it. I jest of course; they are actually called Kiwi’s because of their native bird, which can’t fly. So they paint it on their air force jets.
http://www.samus.co.uk/steve/plane.jpg
New Zealanders like to try and kill themselves –
Everywhere you go in New Zealand, if you want to have “fun”, you must attempt to kill yourself, and pay to do so. Luckily, with the exchange rate of $47 NZ to one goat, it is much cheaper to do this than in the UK.
Popular pastimes include skydiving (most popular amongst women, as you are strapped tightly to a good looking young man for the duration of the jump), Zorbing, where you get inside a giant inflated golf ball and roll down a large hill; bungee jumping, where you jump off a perfectly safe platform with an elastic band tied to your leg; and finally, Real Life Frogger (or RLF) where you ‘hop’ across a busy motorway to reach the other side, or ‘riverbank’. The National RLF championships are held once every four years, once they’ve built up the numbers a bit.
New Zealanders eat invisible fish –
I swear this is true. Every year, hundreds of fishermen sit at the side of rivers, with a net in the water facing the direction of the tide. Invisible fish, or ‘whitebait’ swim into the net, and are caught. Only when the net is emptied into a frying pan and the fish cooked, do they become white. They are then turned into pancakes, to be eaten.
Some fishermen have used chemistry to increase their chances of a good catch, by covering themselves in fish pheromones and standing just behind the net. When asked how much this increased their haul, fishermen were heard to utter “Some.”
Rugby –
This is a warning: never, under any circumstances, talk to a New Zealander about rugby. I made the mistake of doing this while in Wellington, and only managed to escape thirty-one hours later by shouting “Look, an Australian is eating your dog!”. There is only one thing Kiwis love doing more than playing rugby, and that’s the chance to abuse an Ozzy. Or a Sharon. I asked a passing magician about this, and he replied “Well someone has to pay for Ramsey Street, don’t they?”
Wizards – http://www.samus.co.uk/steve/wizard.jpg
Forget Hogwarts. New Zealand has its own real life magician. He is the Christchurch Wizard, and he can be found in the town square, everyday, dispensing advice and the Big Issue. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass, so I asked him the question that has plagued mankind since the early nineties – just how DOES Kevin Costner keep getting work? The old man smiled at me, tapped his finger to his nose knowingly, and then sold me some postcards and a lucky rock. And do you know what? I haven’t been mauled by a giraffe since.
Maoris –
The Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand, before ‘Whitey’ came along and stole all their land from them, due to a typo. Since then, the Maori people have accepted the White Man as just one of those things, and tried to live along side them. They did try eating them once or twice, but didn’t like the taste, and went back to Chocolate Digestives.
The Maori people are very good at the national sport of rugby, and form 80% of the national team, the All Blacks. At each game, the team performs the Haka, which is designed to scare their opposition. In response, the white people perform the Fandango, which has thunderbolts and lightening and is very very frightening. Indeed.
So to conclude the New Zealanders are a simple, peaceful folk, until they get a leather bound ball in their hands, at which point an escape plan is necessary. I urge you to visit, and sample many of the delights I did. Also, try to find the answer to the question I could not: just where DID Peter Jackson’s weight go?
P.S Before you ask, Old Zealand is off the coast of the Netherlands.
I’ve recently come back from New Zealand and I’m going to share my experiences with you all. Let’s do it!
New Zealanders are a confused people –
New Zealanders are more commonly known to the rest of the world, and themselves, as Kiwi’s. Any country that considers their people a fruit, is asking for it. I jest of course; they are actually called Kiwi’s because of their native bird, which can’t fly. So they paint it on their air force jets.
http://www.samus.co.uk/steve/plane.jpg
New Zealanders like to try and kill themselves –
Everywhere you go in New Zealand, if you want to have “fun”, you must attempt to kill yourself, and pay to do so. Luckily, with the exchange rate of $47 NZ to one goat, it is much cheaper to do this than in the UK.
Popular pastimes include skydiving (most popular amongst women, as you are strapped tightly to a good looking young man for the duration of the jump), Zorbing, where you get inside a giant inflated golf ball and roll down a large hill; bungee jumping, where you jump off a perfectly safe platform with an elastic band tied to your leg; and finally, Real Life Frogger (or RLF) where you ‘hop’ across a busy motorway to reach the other side, or ‘riverbank’. The National RLF championships are held once every four years, once they’ve built up the numbers a bit.
New Zealanders eat invisible fish –
I swear this is true. Every year, hundreds of fishermen sit at the side of rivers, with a net in the water facing the direction of the tide. Invisible fish, or ‘whitebait’ swim into the net, and are caught. Only when the net is emptied into a frying pan and the fish cooked, do they become white. They are then turned into pancakes, to be eaten.
Some fishermen have used chemistry to increase their chances of a good catch, by covering themselves in fish pheromones and standing just behind the net. When asked how much this increased their haul, fishermen were heard to utter “Some.”
Rugby –
This is a warning: never, under any circumstances, talk to a New Zealander about rugby. I made the mistake of doing this while in Wellington, and only managed to escape thirty-one hours later by shouting “Look, an Australian is eating your dog!”. There is only one thing Kiwis love doing more than playing rugby, and that’s the chance to abuse an Ozzy. Or a Sharon. I asked a passing magician about this, and he replied “Well someone has to pay for Ramsey Street, don’t they?”
Wizards – http://www.samus.co.uk/steve/wizard.jpg
Forget Hogwarts. New Zealand has its own real life magician. He is the Christchurch Wizard, and he can be found in the town square, everyday, dispensing advice and the Big Issue. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass, so I asked him the question that has plagued mankind since the early nineties – just how DOES Kevin Costner keep getting work? The old man smiled at me, tapped his finger to his nose knowingly, and then sold me some postcards and a lucky rock. And do you know what? I haven’t been mauled by a giraffe since.
Maoris –
The Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand, before ‘Whitey’ came along and stole all their land from them, due to a typo. Since then, the Maori people have accepted the White Man as just one of those things, and tried to live along side them. They did try eating them once or twice, but didn’t like the taste, and went back to Chocolate Digestives.
The Maori people are very good at the national sport of rugby, and form 80% of the national team, the All Blacks. At each game, the team performs the Haka, which is designed to scare their opposition. In response, the white people perform the Fandango, which has thunderbolts and lightening and is very very frightening. Indeed.
So to conclude the New Zealanders are a simple, peaceful folk, until they get a leather bound ball in their hands, at which point an escape plan is necessary. I urge you to visit, and sample many of the delights I did. Also, try to find the answer to the question I could not: just where DID Peter Jackson’s weight go?
P.S Before you ask, Old Zealand is off the coast of the Netherlands.