bigmother
11-01-2006, 09:27 PM
Well now, you may or may not know that I am a bit of a fan of comics, actually, you probably don’t. This does not concern me as you are below me and I expect you wouldn’t know superman if he left a Super-Steamer™ nestled between your pillows, just by you’re ‘My Little Pony’ hot water bottle, this however is drastically beside the point. In the past decade or so I have come to notice that cartoon and comic and yes, even real superheroes are going down the proverbial drain. The metaphorical shitter if you will (you will).
I, in the face of this shocking revelation have decided to compile an entirely comprehensive list of all the those that, quite frankly, I find to be a shocking excuse for superheroes. By comprehensive I, of course mean not comprehensive. My logic is flawless.
Anyway let’s get this horsey to the glue factory.
I present for your viewing displeasure:
Fig. 1 Obesity Girl
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/Fatrocia.jpg
While most heroes derive their powers from, say being bitten by a radioactive tramp or being exposed to a radioactive horse, or even tripping over a slightly radioactive rock, Obesity Girl gained her powers from eating a lot of biscuits and cakes. I say powers but the most she can manage to do is wobble slowly after villains wheezing threats and racial slurs. Despite popular belief, the marking on her chest is not an F for Fat but a stain from the transvestite she consumed earlier.
Fig. 2 Mr Super Nosey
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/mrnosey.jpg
Because of the rise in popularity of superheroes, in part due to certain comic companies (I’m looking at you Marvel) whoring out their franchises like well… whores. Certain folk such as Roger Hargreaves, author of the ever popular Mr Men books took to re-creating their already popular titles as superheroes. One such abomination is the atrociously named Mr Super Nosey. The story consists mainly of Mr Nosey seeing a hooker get smacked up in a back alley and getting real pissed off. He runs home, snorts enough narcotics to makes an elephants nads drop off and dons a cape. What his super powers actually are, the author seems to have left to the reader’s imaginations. The story worryingly enough, ends with our hero literally eyeballs-deep in bitch wrinkle.
Saturday morning has always been a no-go area if you wanted to avoid being pelted left, right and centre with low cost, trashy cartoons and spin off series’ galore. Recently though I was awoken at 7am by royal mail who were delivering a selection of blue movies I’d ordered off the miracle that is the internet. I foolishly decided to forgo returning to bed in favour of switching on the boob tube. And lo, I was assaulted by:
Fig. 3 What I can only Assume is some kind of Crime Fighting Bacteria
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/boobar.jpg
Obviously carrying on in the same Vain as such Popular kid’s shows as ‘Squidy and Georgina’, ‘The Inanimate Object Club Investigates…’ and ‘Courtney Love: The Animated Series’, ‘Boobar’, as it calls itself seems to be some psychedelic superhero show for toddlers and the mentally deranged. From what I can gather from their cryptic dialect they live in a tightly knit community in some strange pod thing. When something goes awry a select few remove their heads from what appear for all intents and purposes to be arses, and save the day. All this (and I’m jumping to conclusions again here) goes on inside the rotting cadaver of an unlucky Care Bear.
(and yes I have noticed the uncanny resemblance between 1 and 3)
Of course with every new set of Superheroes, There has to be a new super villain who has them all stumped until they learn the importance of working together, or bowing to American imperialism or some other moral hogwash. And I present to you our new nemesis:
Fig 4. The Pope
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/index_benxvi copy.jpg
Come on, you can’t not have noticed the evil looking sunken eyes (for shooting lasers out of) and the terrifying smile (for biting heads off chickens) and what was with the hat at Christmas? (for hiding bitten off chicken heads in). This man could prove too much for our faithful band of socially inept and downright ugly superheroes despite whatever desperate crossovers and super combo attacks they may choose to employ.
We can only hope that all is not lost.
I, in the face of this shocking revelation have decided to compile an entirely comprehensive list of all the those that, quite frankly, I find to be a shocking excuse for superheroes. By comprehensive I, of course mean not comprehensive. My logic is flawless.
Anyway let’s get this horsey to the glue factory.
I present for your viewing displeasure:
Fig. 1 Obesity Girl
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/Fatrocia.jpg
While most heroes derive their powers from, say being bitten by a radioactive tramp or being exposed to a radioactive horse, or even tripping over a slightly radioactive rock, Obesity Girl gained her powers from eating a lot of biscuits and cakes. I say powers but the most she can manage to do is wobble slowly after villains wheezing threats and racial slurs. Despite popular belief, the marking on her chest is not an F for Fat but a stain from the transvestite she consumed earlier.
Fig. 2 Mr Super Nosey
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/mrnosey.jpg
Because of the rise in popularity of superheroes, in part due to certain comic companies (I’m looking at you Marvel) whoring out their franchises like well… whores. Certain folk such as Roger Hargreaves, author of the ever popular Mr Men books took to re-creating their already popular titles as superheroes. One such abomination is the atrociously named Mr Super Nosey. The story consists mainly of Mr Nosey seeing a hooker get smacked up in a back alley and getting real pissed off. He runs home, snorts enough narcotics to makes an elephants nads drop off and dons a cape. What his super powers actually are, the author seems to have left to the reader’s imaginations. The story worryingly enough, ends with our hero literally eyeballs-deep in bitch wrinkle.
Saturday morning has always been a no-go area if you wanted to avoid being pelted left, right and centre with low cost, trashy cartoons and spin off series’ galore. Recently though I was awoken at 7am by royal mail who were delivering a selection of blue movies I’d ordered off the miracle that is the internet. I foolishly decided to forgo returning to bed in favour of switching on the boob tube. And lo, I was assaulted by:
Fig. 3 What I can only Assume is some kind of Crime Fighting Bacteria
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/boobar.jpg
Obviously carrying on in the same Vain as such Popular kid’s shows as ‘Squidy and Georgina’, ‘The Inanimate Object Club Investigates…’ and ‘Courtney Love: The Animated Series’, ‘Boobar’, as it calls itself seems to be some psychedelic superhero show for toddlers and the mentally deranged. From what I can gather from their cryptic dialect they live in a tightly knit community in some strange pod thing. When something goes awry a select few remove their heads from what appear for all intents and purposes to be arses, and save the day. All this (and I’m jumping to conclusions again here) goes on inside the rotting cadaver of an unlucky Care Bear.
(and yes I have noticed the uncanny resemblance between 1 and 3)
Of course with every new set of Superheroes, There has to be a new super villain who has them all stumped until they learn the importance of working together, or bowing to American imperialism or some other moral hogwash. And I present to you our new nemesis:
Fig 4. The Pope
http://cheesefarm.co.uk/uploaded/index_benxvi copy.jpg
Come on, you can’t not have noticed the evil looking sunken eyes (for shooting lasers out of) and the terrifying smile (for biting heads off chickens) and what was with the hat at Christmas? (for hiding bitten off chicken heads in). This man could prove too much for our faithful band of socially inept and downright ugly superheroes despite whatever desperate crossovers and super combo attacks they may choose to employ.
We can only hope that all is not lost.