basstard
12-01-2006, 09:22 PM
Like many of you here, occasionally I indulge in reading those paper-based oddities known as “books”. Unlike some people I know however, most of the “books” I read don't consist entirely of pictures accompanied by the occasional “And the Teletubbies lived happily ever after”.
So the point is I read. “So what?”, I can hear thousands of you thinking at once. Well, it lets me spot trends in book circles that others might miss. For example, over the last 5 years, the number of travel books on sale have increased almost exponentially. I have made a handy graph for you here.
http://img289.imageshack.us/img289/328/exponentialgrowth2ve.jpg
This shows that not only are sales of travel books on the up, but there's a distinct link to the number of pirates. Why's this? Well, pirates are notorious drunkards, and like nothing more than to get unsuspecting, innocent members of the public drunk. And there is no more unsuspecting, innocent member of the public than mediocre comedians.
You can probably see where this is going – the intrepid author / mediocre comedian gets very drunk in the pub one night due to those pirates, bets a mate that he can do something ridiculous, and then finds out the next morning, when hungover, about the bet. The mediocre author / intrepid comedian, smelling a “drunken bet book” in the making, goes forth to complete the ridiculous task.
Now, you'd think laughing at someone doing something daft when pissed would not be worth spending £7 on – when in some pubs you can get fairly pissed yourself for that much – but the public in general seem to disagree. One of the big boys of the genre, Tony Hawks [no, not the skateboarder], has sold over half a million of his book “Hitchhiking Round Ireland With A Fridge”.
Now, if we assume he gets £1 out of the £7 the book costs, he's a half millionaire. And the chances are he gets a fair wedge more than that. So, with the scent of an easy profit in the air, I set off to enjoy my own “drunken bet with an eye to a profitable tie-in book”.
http://img289.imageshack.us/img289/2482/onemanandhispint9mu.jpg
Here is a man with intriguing facial hair drinking in a pub.
Once installed in my local pub, a pint* in hand, I decided to broach the subject of writing a best-selling “drunken bet” book in as subtle a manner as possible.
* may have been a pint of Diet Coke.
“So guys, what about getting me really wasted, then making a ludicrous bet for about a tenner with me? Then I can write a best-selling “drunken bet” book”.
This was met with the mockery such a statement deserves from boozed-up buddies. “Shut up, twatface!”, “Give me half of the millions you make” and “I think I just wet myself. Crap” were three of the responses.
This being an entirely useless result in terms of writing a book, I let the subject drop for the time being.
Fast-forward a few hours [and a few (!) more drinks later], and the scene is set. Slowly staggering home from the pub, in a distinctly wobbly line, one friend sees fit to bring up the subject again.
“Why not do a book about stalking a band? Or forming your own?”
To be fair, not a bad suggestion, but seeing as stalking is somewhat illegal, and I have no musical talent whatsoever, both these options were out. It led to a better possibility though...
“What about a tribute band? They're all crap, so you'd fit right in!”.
Cheers, Dave. But a good idea it was, so a bet was formed.
“I bet you £8 that you cannot, in the time period of 12 months, join a tribute band and play in front of a crowd of at least a thousand people”.
Crikey. However, a book with my name on it [and more importantly, a big cheque with my name on it] floated around my head, so I agreed.
Last thing to be decided though was to what band should I tribute? S Club 7 was one suggestion [“You could be that female minger at the back, you've got the tits and the hair for it”], as was ABBA. Both were discounted as to being far too embarrassing for thought. Will Young was ruled out, but they knew my weakness lay within grungy music, and suggested Nirvana. [my friends know me far too well – they penetrated my inner circle years ago].
So, the stage was set. I had to join a Nirvana tribute band within a year, learn to play an instrument in said band, and then gig in front of at least a thousand people. “Piece of cake”, I thought. Battenburg, presumably...
Look out for the published work, “Our Man In Nirvana”,to be published in late 2006, and with extracts posted on here.
So the point is I read. “So what?”, I can hear thousands of you thinking at once. Well, it lets me spot trends in book circles that others might miss. For example, over the last 5 years, the number of travel books on sale have increased almost exponentially. I have made a handy graph for you here.
http://img289.imageshack.us/img289/328/exponentialgrowth2ve.jpg
This shows that not only are sales of travel books on the up, but there's a distinct link to the number of pirates. Why's this? Well, pirates are notorious drunkards, and like nothing more than to get unsuspecting, innocent members of the public drunk. And there is no more unsuspecting, innocent member of the public than mediocre comedians.
You can probably see where this is going – the intrepid author / mediocre comedian gets very drunk in the pub one night due to those pirates, bets a mate that he can do something ridiculous, and then finds out the next morning, when hungover, about the bet. The mediocre author / intrepid comedian, smelling a “drunken bet book” in the making, goes forth to complete the ridiculous task.
Now, you'd think laughing at someone doing something daft when pissed would not be worth spending £7 on – when in some pubs you can get fairly pissed yourself for that much – but the public in general seem to disagree. One of the big boys of the genre, Tony Hawks [no, not the skateboarder], has sold over half a million of his book “Hitchhiking Round Ireland With A Fridge”.
Now, if we assume he gets £1 out of the £7 the book costs, he's a half millionaire. And the chances are he gets a fair wedge more than that. So, with the scent of an easy profit in the air, I set off to enjoy my own “drunken bet with an eye to a profitable tie-in book”.
http://img289.imageshack.us/img289/2482/onemanandhispint9mu.jpg
Here is a man with intriguing facial hair drinking in a pub.
Once installed in my local pub, a pint* in hand, I decided to broach the subject of writing a best-selling “drunken bet” book in as subtle a manner as possible.
* may have been a pint of Diet Coke.
“So guys, what about getting me really wasted, then making a ludicrous bet for about a tenner with me? Then I can write a best-selling “drunken bet” book”.
This was met with the mockery such a statement deserves from boozed-up buddies. “Shut up, twatface!”, “Give me half of the millions you make” and “I think I just wet myself. Crap” were three of the responses.
This being an entirely useless result in terms of writing a book, I let the subject drop for the time being.
Fast-forward a few hours [and a few (!) more drinks later], and the scene is set. Slowly staggering home from the pub, in a distinctly wobbly line, one friend sees fit to bring up the subject again.
“Why not do a book about stalking a band? Or forming your own?”
To be fair, not a bad suggestion, but seeing as stalking is somewhat illegal, and I have no musical talent whatsoever, both these options were out. It led to a better possibility though...
“What about a tribute band? They're all crap, so you'd fit right in!”.
Cheers, Dave. But a good idea it was, so a bet was formed.
“I bet you £8 that you cannot, in the time period of 12 months, join a tribute band and play in front of a crowd of at least a thousand people”.
Crikey. However, a book with my name on it [and more importantly, a big cheque with my name on it] floated around my head, so I agreed.
Last thing to be decided though was to what band should I tribute? S Club 7 was one suggestion [“You could be that female minger at the back, you've got the tits and the hair for it”], as was ABBA. Both were discounted as to being far too embarrassing for thought. Will Young was ruled out, but they knew my weakness lay within grungy music, and suggested Nirvana. [my friends know me far too well – they penetrated my inner circle years ago].
So, the stage was set. I had to join a Nirvana tribute band within a year, learn to play an instrument in said band, and then gig in front of at least a thousand people. “Piece of cake”, I thought. Battenburg, presumably...
Look out for the published work, “Our Man In Nirvana”,to be published in late 2006, and with extracts posted on here.