Public Toilet Scandals: Not just for movie stars any more

[bionic sheep]

Having come to terms with the fact that a reasonable amount of the world is actually female, I felt I should explain here a specifically male phenomenon that women are fortunate enough to avoid.

It is this:
There is no insecurity quite like using the middle urinal.

Allow me to explain. To begin with, the standard number of urinals in a public toilet is three. Now, if a guy goes into a public toilet and it's empty, he will automatically choose one of the end urinals. This is because it means you can stand at a slight angle to prevent any of those damn sneaky gays peering at your wang.

If another guy enters, he will normally choose the far urinal, in order to do the corner thing again. It is also good manners; nothing puts you off like another man being given the opportunity to stand away from you but choosing to nestle up next to you.

But then what? If you are the third man, you are left with only one option. You have to take the middle urinal.

It's not a nice experience. You can't lean one way or the other to prevent peeking, because there is always someone there. You could stand back and wait for one of the end urinals to become free, but if there's three of you there already then it's probably a busy time and there will be more along shortly. Besides, sometimes you just can't wait.

It's slightly worse for me, because I always manage to go in when there are two big hairy biker types using the two end urinals. I'm quite a skinny little lad, and frankly it's a nerve-wracking experience.

So, think yourselves lucky, women. You only have to worry about pissing blood once a month. We have to worry about other men looking at us when we're trying to have a quiet pee.

Originally written for my blog, here:
http://bionic-sheep.livejournal.com/

[Phoen!X]

I usually selfishly use a cubicle if the 2 end urinals are taken.

Everything in that article is true though, and if it isn't 2 hairy bikers, it's an old man who you saw enter the toilets 15 minutes ago.

Good stuff \o/

[Zhyl]

So true. Its even worse with the trough like things that pass for merged urinals.

[Paul12345]

I usually selfishly use a cubicle if the 2 end urinals are taken.

Same here, thats just tough shit for someone else if they come in needing a shite and I'm taking up the cubicle having a slash. You have to be ruthless when using a public toilet.

[Darkscull]

this is soo true... the unwritten rules of the gents.

one of the others being: no talking :ssh:

...unless that's just me...
using public toilets is a necessary evil, one that should be unhealthily denied to be happening. :ninja:

*shudder* i hate the old man who went in 15 minutes ago... he freaks me out.

[Midget]

I hate it when they put the hand dryer right next a urinal too :p You have to stand with your hands under the dryer watching some guy's hairy member flapping about in the wind.

Male toilet design is a very intricate process and I will often judge an establishment by it's male facilities, so be careful business owners, one crap bog can kill half your target audience. :p

[argh]

Dear Bionic, you know we don't actually piss out the blood, right?

[Phoen!X]

Dear Bionic, you know we don't actually piss out the blood, right?

Yeah.. Like it just falls out..

Us men know how you women work.

[Midget]

yuo maen it coems from diffarent wholes?!?! :eek:

[IrishSteve]

of course the problem is in the pub/club, where cubilces are denied. then u must wait. women dont have these problems. do they know the agonies we suffer? and whats with going to the loo in 2's or 3's? if a guy did that ,well, the universe would end. in my mind. im still waiting on movie paraody ideas, btw...

[bionic sheep]

Dear Bionic, you know we don't actually piss out the blood, right?
I was waiting for a comment like this.

When I posted this on my blog, the female backlash I got was incredible. :P

Yes, I know that it's all shedding walls of your uterus and stuff, I'm exaggerating and under-stating simultaneously for the purposes of lulz.

[argh]

That works for me. I'm glad I don't piss blood, it's mean something was horribly wrong with my innards.

[Zhyl]

Being selfish in a cubicle is not an option in some places. There are either unflushed, broken flush without a notice so they are then unflushable, or there is such a general lack of hygene that its really only safe to use the urinals. This probably applies most in secondary schools.

[mandyque]

If you are a lady who has been to a festival you may have come across the Female Urinal. Now these are freaky inventions! You are handed a little carboard funnel on the way in and you are meant to pee standing up through the funnels. You think you guys have it tough, you wouldn't believe the problems we had in there! For a start our weewee bits are tucked up out of the way so we can't just position it to come out of our flies, we have to drop our trousers, then sort of bob down a little and try to get the funnel in the right place so the wee flows into it and not down your legs. Another awful hazard is that some ladies have given up trying, sometimes those pelvic floors won't let go in such an unnatural position, and simply squat down and pee on the ground so you are walking through pee-mud to get to the flippin things. The urinals are the long trough style ones and are pretty grim.

[kazyn]

As a woman, I feel men have it easier than us.

Public loos are a horrible experience for us girls.

First of all, you don't want to sit on the loo seat. Who knows what has been there before you.

This in turn means that you have to squat, which not only makes your legs hurt, but can also cause urinary infections, as the bladder can't fully empty in that position.

Another issue we come across is the fact that we have to lower our trousers. This can be horribly unpleasant as public loos tend to have piss on the floor and your trousers could drag in it. Now who wants that I ask you! No one.

So there we are squatting, our legs aching and all, trying not to get our trousers or bag wet and getting urinary infections.

Do not even get me started on changing sanitary wear at the same time.

Now do you see, hard done by blokes, that you are not that hard done by after all.

That is all I will say on the matter.

[DtehG]

As a woman, I feel men have it easier than us.

Public loos are a horrible experience for us girls.

First of all, you don't want to sit on the loo seat. Who knows what has been there before you.

This in turn means that you have to squat, which not only makes your legs hurt, but can also cause urinary infections, as the bladder can't fully empty in that position.

Another issue we come across is the fact that we have to lower our trousers. This can be horribly unpleasant as public loos tend to have piss on the floor and your trousers could drag in it. Now who wants that I ask you! No one.

So there we are squatting, our legs aching and all, trying not to get our trousers or bag wet and getting urinary infections.

Do not even get me started on changing sanitary wear at the same time.

Now do you see, hard done by blokes, that you are not that hard done by after all.

That is all I will say on the matter.
At least you reach orgasm easier.... You have no reason to complain. :p

[kazyn]

As a matter of fact only 70% of us reach orgasm at all and its not that easy. Only 25% orgasm through penetration. There of thousands of women out there who have never experienced an orgasm in their lives.

Obviously you are not very experienced with women. No offence. Just stating facts

[Pilk Man]

A great tactic to prevent the whole "haha I R see ur p3n0r" thing is to put one arm up on the bit that sticks out of the wall between the urinals (if there is one).

Too see your tonker, they'd have to be really obvious and then you'd be like "omg u r teh gayz!" and smack them one with your now piss-covered hand.


You have to stand with your hands under the dryer watching some guy's hairy member flapping about in the wind.
You dont HAVE to watch it :p

Bloody annoys me when guys walk around gym changing rooms naked though. Always the old ones with too many rolls and a really short one.

And I never new so many blokes were circumsised in the Uk! :eek:

[flamelitface]

I must say, that I actually thought the very same thing today.

[Tiode]

Dudes, dont EVER go in the middle one, just wait ffs..

[zero defex.]

Sometimes at school I won't even use one of the 3 urinals if there's nobody in there.

Because I know that somebody will come in, and the doors make the loudest snap, then creaking and the clicky footsteps on linoleum floor just makes me so nervous I'll stand there for 30 seconds doing absolutely bugger all, before suddenly doing up my zip and shuffling into a cubicle.

And then the clever twats kick the door and the lock breaks open =[

[terrorbite]

You know whats worse? Places that have those metal troughs instead of individual urinals.

[zero defex.]

With the smelly urinal cakes =[

And the loud clanging noise of piss against metal. So people KNOW if you're nervous or not :P

[doctor_fruitbat]

Urinal cakes are awesome; you can whizz all over them and imagine them eroding away before your very eyes. Troughs are just awful for splash back though; their ergonomic design is atrocious, and you have to piss at the most extreme angle you can manage. If other people are there, it becomes a matter of keeping up a slow stream. Individual urinals rule all.

[Cactusman]

I usually selfishly use a cubicle if the 2 end urinals are taken.

Everything in that article is true though, and if it isn't 2 hairy bikers, it's an old man who you saw enter the toilets 15 minutes ago.

Good stuff \o/
I've never used a public urinal in my life (except once, never again *shudder*). I always use a cubicle. I had a traumatic experience in a public urinal once. (No I wasn't raped.)

[v!Ew`]

atempted rape... ?

[Xharock]

Maybe you should brush up on your Restroom Etiquette (http://youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw)

[kotu]

If you are a lady who has been to a festival you may have come across the Female Urinal. Now these are freaky inventions! You are handed a little carboard funnel on the way in and you are meant to pee standing up through the funnels. You think you guys have it tough, you wouldn't believe the problems we had in there! For a start our weewee bits are tucked up out of the way so we can't just position it to come out of our flies, we have to drop our trousers, then sort of bob down a little and try to get the funnel in the right place so the wee flows into it and not down your legs. Another awful hazard is that some ladies have given up trying, sometimes those pelvic floors won't let go in such an unnatural position, and simply squat down and pee on the ground so you are walking through pee-mud to get to the flippin things. The urinals are the long trough style ones and are pretty grim.
A guy invented that :D

[scram]

Dudes, dont EVER go in the middle one, just wait ffs..

The danger there is that the two guys think you're a homophobe and roll their eyes at you when they leave.

Just suck it in, eyes down (STRAIGHT down, mind) and get it over with.