IrishSteve
12-02-2006, 06:46 PM
*NOTE TO AMERICANS*
Greetings Americans. The following article contains funny things, based on a television (that’s the box that tells you what to do you eat your dinner around) advert, for a popular brand of sauce that posed an interesting question - Daddy or Chips? I won't say which brand of sauce unless one of their representatives contacts me with free stuff. It also contains the British use of the word 'chips', which you call 'fries'. Much in the same way, what we call 'football', you call 'bananas', and you don't like to play. Now, on with science!
Britain had the question of Daddy or Chips just launched at us by saucy people and expected us to just deal with it. Many couldn't, and support groups are available across the country. It startled me when I first saw the ad, and watched the innocent young child debate the question over a period of a few days, which through the miracle of television and mutated snails, lasted about 30 seconds. Her verdict was "Chips!" though I forget why. Possibly her Daddy didn't like her.
Skip forward a few months later, and I'm travelling around New Zealand, as is my custom. I'm sitting alone in the lounge of the Lake Tekapo YHA (youth hostel) enjoying the fantastic view, and the question again popped into my head - Daddy or Chips. I've now returned to Northern Ireland ,determined to put the matter to rest once and for all, in the name of science. And comedy. Hopefully without the use of sacrificial goats, though they are on standby if necessary.
Debating on how to make my study fair, I pondered on how to have equal measurements of Daddy and Chips, in weight. Of course, having 21 stone of chips is just far too cumbersome to use, so I decided on using only the Hand Of Daddy (TM) and the equal weight in Chips. I suggested to myself, and I took note, that using oven chips is cheating, and not the way we do things in Northern Ireland, so I prepared some Chips of my own using potatoes, our national bird.
Praise be, I was ready to begin!
TEST ONE - The Smell Test
For the first test, I placed the Chips into a Tupperware container (now gopher free), and placed it next to the freshly washed Hand Of Daddy (TM). I then invited three "volunteers" to smell each, blindfolded, and give their preference as to which smelt better. They were not permitted to handle the subjects. I would observe closely and record the results.
Volunteer No 1, Mr Michael Station, from 4 The Burrows, Salford, has an interest in Mahogany furniture and gerbil licking. Having smelt both subjects intensely, he decided on Chips as being the smell he preferred.
Volunteer No 2, Miss Vanessa Hayse, from 91 Dormat Street, Coleraine, likes pressing kittens and has aligned herself with The Dark Side. Smelling the Hand Of Daddy(TM) first, then the Chips, she returned to the Hand and sniffed deeply for many minutes. "I would like a cup of tea" she proclaimed and walked into a door. Blindfold, you see.
Volunteer No 3, Brother Andross, a passing Monk from the local brethren, favoured us with his opinion. "Chips!" he said confidently, only needing a few seconds sniffing each subject, and returned to his life of celibacy, pausing only to ask for a Jaffa Cake. Nice fellow.
The Smell Test - Chips wins!
TEST TWO - The Touch Test
Deciding more volunteers would be hard to come by, particularly with the frequent police patrols now mysteriously cruising the area, I would conduct the rest of the tests myself. This test would see me handle the Chips and the Hand in a manner of different ways, to see which is most pleasing.
Hand - Demanding the Hand be freshly washed before our experiments began made the Hand soft and subtle, and also warm. Turning it over I discovered one side to be hairy, the other smooth. "A-ha!", I said to myself, "A contradiction! And also an 80's band making a come back." Part of the Hand was revealed to contain smooth shiny parts at the end, which were stuck in place by some mystical force, and a band of gold around one finger. A lucky find.
Chips - As the Chips were plentiful, getting them all in one hand proved tricky. I did find the way they kept spilling through my fingers pleasant though. The surface of each chip was smooth yet rough at the same time, with sharp points on some. They were also hot and burnt my fingers. Bad chips!
The Touch Test - Hand wins!
TEST THREE - Wind Resistance
The elements would see me right. I placed the Chips into the Tupperware container (on loan from the Mummy Collection) and in a manly, never confused way, took the Hand, and its owner, Daddy, outside into the back yard. We waited there for two days as the wind built to a certain speed and began the test.
Thrusting the Hand of Daddy into the air, at a 45 degree angle, I left it there for a period of two Earth minutes. Upon its return to its natural position, I observed the Hand to be cold, difficult to manipulate and one of its fingers raised still. I noted these effects.
Now for the Chips. Using my own hand, I held the Chips aloft and two minutes were now counted by the cup of tea grasping Daddy. Perhaps his watch was broken, but it felt much longer than two minutes my hand was raised, but the Daddy assures me it was only the scientifically observed time allotted. Bringing my hand down, I observed the Chips. Nothing happened to them, no wearing away by the constant wind, no change in colour, or no change in speech patterns. Making note of this, I declare the Hand the winner, as it still retained most of its original functions.
As an interesting side effect, a passing bird now considered my shoulder its new home during the experiment. Never pitched in for the tea though.
Wind Resistance - Hand wins!
TEST FOUR - Gravity
Gravity is cruel mistress. It keeps things on the ground, space up there and was discovered by apples. It now faces its greatest challenge - Daddy or Chips!
Step One - Ascend the stairs to the second floor of the house, taking the Hand and Chips with me.
Step Two - Open a window. Careful now!
Step Three - Drop 'em!
Sadly, this test turned out to be a little one sided. The Chips obeyed the laws of gravity, and fell to Earth with no problem whatsoever. They even made rather nice splatting sounds as they hit the ground. The Hand however, refused to fall. Attempts to detach the Hand from the Daddy were met with a smack around the ear. Alas then I was unable to record a result for the Hand. By default...
Gravity - Chips win!
TEST FIVE - Taste Test
The final, and ultimate test, was the Taste Test. I would consume some Chips, and an equal amount of the Hand, and see how the flavours would dance on my tongue. Glass of water at the ready for sipping between each sample, and some sauce for flavour. Seeing as how it was the sauce that started this whole thing, its only fair it gets a look in.
Chips first - Using a freshly made batch of Chips, but keeping it fair with equal weight, I popped a Chip into my mouth. Warmth, crispiness and lack of acid were all things I was looking for, and was not disappointed. I then ate another chip after dunking it in sauce first. Tangy. Sauce is good with Chips. As is fish, but that wasn't the point of the experiment.
Now, the Hand - Having been assured by the Daddy that Hands are better served raw, I made my preparations.
Biting into the Hand, I received a sudden pain in the side of my head, and also noticed a loud scream. "Odd", I thought to myself, so decided to try again. Again, pain, and scream. Deciding it would be better not to attempt this again, I analysed the results I had gathered so far. Taste-wise, The Hand didn't taste very nice. Too salty. The texture wasn't pleasing on the tongue either. I did note with some interest that the Hand provided its own sauce, but was watery and did not enhance the flavour. A disappointing final result for the Hand.
The winner - Chips!
So there you have it. I have proven scientifically that the little girl from the saucy commercial was right - in the question Daddy or Chips?, Chips win. I am disappointed with the results however, as I neither got to blow anything up, nor did I receive any complementary bottles of sauce. Also, all photographs taken during the experiment have since disappeared, including that rather fetching one of your sister in her bikini. Don’t have a sister? It was your gran.
Next up - Movie Parody! Suggestions please.
Greetings Americans. The following article contains funny things, based on a television (that’s the box that tells you what to do you eat your dinner around) advert, for a popular brand of sauce that posed an interesting question - Daddy or Chips? I won't say which brand of sauce unless one of their representatives contacts me with free stuff. It also contains the British use of the word 'chips', which you call 'fries'. Much in the same way, what we call 'football', you call 'bananas', and you don't like to play. Now, on with science!
Britain had the question of Daddy or Chips just launched at us by saucy people and expected us to just deal with it. Many couldn't, and support groups are available across the country. It startled me when I first saw the ad, and watched the innocent young child debate the question over a period of a few days, which through the miracle of television and mutated snails, lasted about 30 seconds. Her verdict was "Chips!" though I forget why. Possibly her Daddy didn't like her.
Skip forward a few months later, and I'm travelling around New Zealand, as is my custom. I'm sitting alone in the lounge of the Lake Tekapo YHA (youth hostel) enjoying the fantastic view, and the question again popped into my head - Daddy or Chips. I've now returned to Northern Ireland ,determined to put the matter to rest once and for all, in the name of science. And comedy. Hopefully without the use of sacrificial goats, though they are on standby if necessary.
Debating on how to make my study fair, I pondered on how to have equal measurements of Daddy and Chips, in weight. Of course, having 21 stone of chips is just far too cumbersome to use, so I decided on using only the Hand Of Daddy (TM) and the equal weight in Chips. I suggested to myself, and I took note, that using oven chips is cheating, and not the way we do things in Northern Ireland, so I prepared some Chips of my own using potatoes, our national bird.
Praise be, I was ready to begin!
TEST ONE - The Smell Test
For the first test, I placed the Chips into a Tupperware container (now gopher free), and placed it next to the freshly washed Hand Of Daddy (TM). I then invited three "volunteers" to smell each, blindfolded, and give their preference as to which smelt better. They were not permitted to handle the subjects. I would observe closely and record the results.
Volunteer No 1, Mr Michael Station, from 4 The Burrows, Salford, has an interest in Mahogany furniture and gerbil licking. Having smelt both subjects intensely, he decided on Chips as being the smell he preferred.
Volunteer No 2, Miss Vanessa Hayse, from 91 Dormat Street, Coleraine, likes pressing kittens and has aligned herself with The Dark Side. Smelling the Hand Of Daddy(TM) first, then the Chips, she returned to the Hand and sniffed deeply for many minutes. "I would like a cup of tea" she proclaimed and walked into a door. Blindfold, you see.
Volunteer No 3, Brother Andross, a passing Monk from the local brethren, favoured us with his opinion. "Chips!" he said confidently, only needing a few seconds sniffing each subject, and returned to his life of celibacy, pausing only to ask for a Jaffa Cake. Nice fellow.
The Smell Test - Chips wins!
TEST TWO - The Touch Test
Deciding more volunteers would be hard to come by, particularly with the frequent police patrols now mysteriously cruising the area, I would conduct the rest of the tests myself. This test would see me handle the Chips and the Hand in a manner of different ways, to see which is most pleasing.
Hand - Demanding the Hand be freshly washed before our experiments began made the Hand soft and subtle, and also warm. Turning it over I discovered one side to be hairy, the other smooth. "A-ha!", I said to myself, "A contradiction! And also an 80's band making a come back." Part of the Hand was revealed to contain smooth shiny parts at the end, which were stuck in place by some mystical force, and a band of gold around one finger. A lucky find.
Chips - As the Chips were plentiful, getting them all in one hand proved tricky. I did find the way they kept spilling through my fingers pleasant though. The surface of each chip was smooth yet rough at the same time, with sharp points on some. They were also hot and burnt my fingers. Bad chips!
The Touch Test - Hand wins!
TEST THREE - Wind Resistance
The elements would see me right. I placed the Chips into the Tupperware container (on loan from the Mummy Collection) and in a manly, never confused way, took the Hand, and its owner, Daddy, outside into the back yard. We waited there for two days as the wind built to a certain speed and began the test.
Thrusting the Hand of Daddy into the air, at a 45 degree angle, I left it there for a period of two Earth minutes. Upon its return to its natural position, I observed the Hand to be cold, difficult to manipulate and one of its fingers raised still. I noted these effects.
Now for the Chips. Using my own hand, I held the Chips aloft and two minutes were now counted by the cup of tea grasping Daddy. Perhaps his watch was broken, but it felt much longer than two minutes my hand was raised, but the Daddy assures me it was only the scientifically observed time allotted. Bringing my hand down, I observed the Chips. Nothing happened to them, no wearing away by the constant wind, no change in colour, or no change in speech patterns. Making note of this, I declare the Hand the winner, as it still retained most of its original functions.
As an interesting side effect, a passing bird now considered my shoulder its new home during the experiment. Never pitched in for the tea though.
Wind Resistance - Hand wins!
TEST FOUR - Gravity
Gravity is cruel mistress. It keeps things on the ground, space up there and was discovered by apples. It now faces its greatest challenge - Daddy or Chips!
Step One - Ascend the stairs to the second floor of the house, taking the Hand and Chips with me.
Step Two - Open a window. Careful now!
Step Three - Drop 'em!
Sadly, this test turned out to be a little one sided. The Chips obeyed the laws of gravity, and fell to Earth with no problem whatsoever. They even made rather nice splatting sounds as they hit the ground. The Hand however, refused to fall. Attempts to detach the Hand from the Daddy were met with a smack around the ear. Alas then I was unable to record a result for the Hand. By default...
Gravity - Chips win!
TEST FIVE - Taste Test
The final, and ultimate test, was the Taste Test. I would consume some Chips, and an equal amount of the Hand, and see how the flavours would dance on my tongue. Glass of water at the ready for sipping between each sample, and some sauce for flavour. Seeing as how it was the sauce that started this whole thing, its only fair it gets a look in.
Chips first - Using a freshly made batch of Chips, but keeping it fair with equal weight, I popped a Chip into my mouth. Warmth, crispiness and lack of acid were all things I was looking for, and was not disappointed. I then ate another chip after dunking it in sauce first. Tangy. Sauce is good with Chips. As is fish, but that wasn't the point of the experiment.
Now, the Hand - Having been assured by the Daddy that Hands are better served raw, I made my preparations.
Biting into the Hand, I received a sudden pain in the side of my head, and also noticed a loud scream. "Odd", I thought to myself, so decided to try again. Again, pain, and scream. Deciding it would be better not to attempt this again, I analysed the results I had gathered so far. Taste-wise, The Hand didn't taste very nice. Too salty. The texture wasn't pleasing on the tongue either. I did note with some interest that the Hand provided its own sauce, but was watery and did not enhance the flavour. A disappointing final result for the Hand.
The winner - Chips!
So there you have it. I have proven scientifically that the little girl from the saucy commercial was right - in the question Daddy or Chips?, Chips win. I am disappointed with the results however, as I neither got to blow anything up, nor did I receive any complementary bottles of sauce. Also, all photographs taken during the experiment have since disappeared, including that rather fetching one of your sister in her bikini. Don’t have a sister? It was your gran.
Next up - Movie Parody! Suggestions please.