The most rubbish animal. Ever.

[Zhyl]

If you were to think about a rubbish animal what would it be? Something highly dangerous such as a crocodile or something pointless and annoying like a fly? I am here today to prove that neither is the case and that crocodiles and flies can sleep easy in their beds, as they are not the most rubbish animals in the world ever. “Well, what is it?” I hear you ask, excitedly. “Well,” I reply, eating a ham and cheese bagel. “The answer is this: the panda.” The room fell silent as everybody waited for this brave young man to prove with science exactly why what would seem to be a harmless, loveable and amazingly cute animal could really be so rubbish.

http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/2732/pndaeg5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This is a panda.

The problem starts with their diet. Everybody knows that pandas eat shoots and leaves, bamboo to be more precise. The first thing that is wrong with this is that pandas are not designed to eat it. Their skulls are designed like carnivores so they can’t chew bamboo, which is in its nature is very chewy. This is comparable to feeding toffee to a dog, not that anyone would be so cruel to do so risking a good ticking off from the RSPCA. Also, bamboo is pretty much the only thing they eat which is a bugger because it has very little nutritional value. In fact there is so little goodness in this chewy stuff that they can’t chew that they have to eat around 30lbs of it per day, which means they spend most of their time eating. Although bamboo has very little in it, it does contain a chemical that causes drowsiness so after spending half the day eating, the panda then has to spend the next half of the day sleeping.

http://img238.imageshack.us/img238/1195/bmboowm5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This is the panda equivalent to tranquillisers.

“That is fairly rubbish,” I hear you admit disappointedly. “But wait, it gets worse,” I say, suavely licking the toothpaste off of my face.

The other pointed annoyance is that the panda is a solitary creature, preferring to live a good 20 miles away from the nearest panda besides itself. This is all well and good, I mean who would want a competitor with all the bamboo they eat? The problem arises when it comes to that time of year which most animals experience: mating season. Female pandas are only fertile for three days in a year, which means that if a male panda sniffs that a female panda is up for it, he has to run as fast as he can in that direction, still eating 30lbs of bamboo a day and still sleeping half the day.

If and when a panda does eventually get pregnant, the infant mortality rate is rather high compared to other mammals, probably due to their poor diet. Pandas usually conceive twins but when they are actually born without dying, the mother panda chooses one of them to raise and lets the other one die. The father, of course, is nowhere to be seen and does not intervene with the development of his child (see: chav). Of course, even with this selected child, pandas are not naturally maternal creatures, so pandas accidentally sitting on their young and crushing them make up part of the infant mortality rate.

http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/2748/babypandaslolsq1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This is a baby panda. Cute, eh? Unfortunately it is doomed.

Along with all the physical, the panda also has political ties. Apart from the uncanny resemblance to a giant teddy bear, the panda is native to China, which as everyone knows is communist. Although not official, the panda’s high profile status as an endangered species has earned it a place on many Chinese coins and has generally become the second symbol of the country, behind the infamous dragon.

Although poaching rates are low, due to the punishment in China being death until 1997 where it was replaced with 20 years jail sentence, the panda is still highly vulnerable to its habitat being destroyed by man. Should we poach them more? Does God really want them to die? But no, conservationists are saving these wretched creatures and prolonging their misery even longer than is necessary despite having to spend millions of funds of getting the buggers to actually mate.

[flambe23]

That took so long to read, I almost lost interest.

But I agree with you, they are all doomed. Doooooooooooooooomed!

P.s Do you still have that French essay I sent to you on MSN. If you do, please keep it. :)

[Svelter]

A friend of mine called John became quite upset once because I called him an 'eel'. Anyway, wasps have to be the worst ever animal, although technically they're insects but you mentioned 'flies' earlier so hey. Wasps seem to live to bring pain into people's lives by stinging them, which they can do repeatedly, making lots of noise and scaring Londoners. Nothing eats them either, except very stupid birds and frogs who strongly regret it afterwards when their insides start to swell up and, unlike bees, you never hear of any 'honey-wasps'.

[Super Weebl]

Yeah Wasps are very good :
proof (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/rugby_union/english/5248776.stm)

[Svelter]

OK, they're good at rugby, but they are a pain in the arse.

[Jedi-Gemstone]

In note to Panda's diet, they also have a carnivorous gut, the reason they don't get alot out of eating bamboo all day is because they don't have the right bacteria in their stomach (unlike cows) that enables them to digest cellulose.
^_^ Biology comes in handy.
Oh and they eat bamboo, because...well there was a reason but I forget...if I remember what it was my teacher said I'll let you know!
But pandas are cute ^_^

[Zhyl]

In note to Panda's diet, they also have a carnivorous gut, the reason they don't get alot out of eating bamboo all day is because they don't have the right bacteria in their stomach (unlike cows) that enables them to digest cellulose.
^_^ Biology comes in handy.
Oh and they eat bamboo, because...well there was a reason but I forget...if I remember what it was my teacher said I'll let you know!
But pandas are cute ^_^

Thanks, I will see if I can work it in somewhere without looking like I've blatently copied it. I don't think I've left much opening though.

[adcoolguy]

OK, they're good at rugby, but they are a pain in the arse.
Only if you sit on them...

Cool stuff zhyl,
But pandas are so cute^_^ aww.

I would say pig are the most rubbish animal ever,
They're mucky, smelly and get eaten. All it does in its lifetime is eat, sleep and roll around in the mud. Then its killed and eaten.

But hey! pork>beef/chicken.

[charlieman]

I still think the chav is the most rubbish and pointless animal. I mean, what exactly do they do? Now they are a pain in the arse...

[evil monkey]

A friend of mine called John became quite upset once because I called him an 'eel'. Anyway, wasps have to be the worst ever animal, although technically they're insects but you mentioned 'flies' earlier so hey. Wasps seem to live to bring pain into people's lives by stinging them, which they can do repeatedly, making lots of noise and scaring Londoners. Nothing eats them either, except very stupid birds and frogs who strongly regret it afterwards when their insides start to swell up and, unlike bees, you never hear of any 'honey-wasps'.
Correction;
Frogs are the only animal (I think they are the only animal) That eat wasps. That is your common pond toad.
Also I would like to state, That yes panda's are very pointless. Hardly anything attacks it, and it doesn't attack much Itself. So therefore pointless in the foodchain or influence on other foodchains. Maybe it might clear bamboo, but bamboo forests can shelter alot of small mammals... Cute small mammals.

[Mr Salek]

Sting rays.

[Boyinabox]

They're more of a pain in the chest if you ask my opinion.
And don't dismiss wasps. They build amazing structures out of little more than wood chipings and spit and, unlike panda's, they are brilliant at taking care of their young. And when they sting something they don't pull out all of their internal organs with it.

Wasps = Awesome

[Svelter]

Actually, I change my decision on wasps - being stung by one yesterday made me slightly biased. Anyway, I say that the minging creature known as the jellyfish is the worst animal ever. It's basically just another horrible aquatic life form that you feel like smacking with a big stick until you get a thick puree. Also, I once had a dream where I went swimming in the sea and came out the water with a jellyfish on my head. That was horrible!

[evil monkey]

They're more of a pain in the chest if you ask my opinion.
And don't dismiss wasps. They build amazing structures out of little more than wood chipings and spit and, unlike panda's, they are brilliant at taking care of their young. And when they sting something they don't pull out all of their internal organs with it.

Wasps = Awesome
Compared to a panda.
But i have thought long and hard, I think no animal is useless excepting the panda, As most other animals lives influence us.

[kingkona]

While looking for the most useless animal i notice one site said,
"Cat's urine glows under a black light"
How do you get a black light. As black is an absence of light.

[Jedi-Gemstone]

Anyway, I say that the minging creature known as the jellyfish is the worst animal ever. It's basically just another horrible aquatic life form that you feel like smacking with a big stick until you get a thick puree. Also, I once had a dream where I went swimming in the sea and came out the water with a jellyfish on my head. That was horrible!

You can't diss teh jellyfish!!
They're so pretty ^_^ See Pretty!! (http://www.ices.dk/marineworld/photogallery/images/jellyfish.jpg)

[Super Weebl]

Most useless animal..howz about the Sloth, i like them but they do very little and are incredibly slow.. but im pretty sure that every animal has a purpose

[charlieman]

Most useless animal..howz about the Sloth, i like them but they do very little and are incredibly slow.. but im pretty sure that every animal has a purpose

NO, sloths are the best animal ever. They spend their time alseep! I love it! What other animal would take the time to climb down the tree to shit and then climb back up if it takes them, like 4 hours, when they could shit from the top of the tree?

Now thats dedication!

[Lewiji]

While looking for the most useless animal i notice one site said,
"Cat's urine glows under a black light"
How do you get a black light. As black is an absence of light.
A blacklight is a name for "a lamp emitting electromagnetic radiation that is almost exclusively in the soft near ultraviolet range, and very little visible light." :)

[Hydralisk]

Daddy long legs are the most useless bastards ever, serving only to blunder clumsily into your face

I win

[Svelter]

Daddy long legs are the most useless bastards ever, serving only to blunder clumsily into your face

I win

They only live for a few days as well, some only live one. But they keep my badminton skills up. I'm constantly waiting by the window to thwack any moths or Daddy long legs to dare to fly inside.

That reminds me, moths are a pretty crap animal.

[eidderf]

Actually, I change my decision on wasps - being stung by one yesterday made me slightly biased. Anyway, I say that the minging creature known as the jellyfish is the worst animal ever. It's basically just another horrible aquatic life form that you feel like smacking with a big stick until you get a thick puree. Also, I once had a dream where I went swimming in the sea and came out the water with a jellyfish on my head. That was horrible!
I agree, jellyfish are rather rubbish, all they do is float around all day and sting things, at least you don't get a lot of panda attacks.

[rubberfishy]

I agree, jellyfish are rather rubbish, all they do is float around all day and sting things, at least you don't get a lot of panda attacks.

Certain types of jellyfish glow in the dark, if you take the recessive gene of the jellyfish that makes it glow in the dark, you can put it in a rat to make a glow in the dark rat! And we all know how fun/useful that is!

[Penguin Pimp]

Certain types of jellyfish glow in the dark, if you take the recessive gene of the jellyfish that makes it glow in the dark, you can put it in a rat to make a glow in the dark rat! And we all know how fun/useful that is!

they did it to a pig too.
its nose went green naturally and it glowed

[flamelitface]

Perhaps we should be criticising Zhyls article, rather than debate what is really the worst animal, or giving each other biology lessons. I quite liked the article, nothing made me laugh out loud, but many parts made me smile.

[Zhyl]

I think it was funnier hearing my cousin talk about than the actual article was. I spent more time putting in facts than putting in actual jokes but still, I'm pleased with it.

[Spankhorse]

I think the Argentinian deathworm is the most rubbish animal ever.

Yes, I know I'm a dumbass.

[*Hoppipolla*]

Daddy long legs are completely rubbish as they have some very deadly venom inside of them but because their teeth are so fine they cannot bite anything!!

How rubbish is that?!?!

Also, bee's are quite rubbish, they have the power to inflict immense pain but will die in the process!

*sits down and watches more Discovery Channel*

[Tiode]

That, is a Myth by the way.
A) seeing as you are referring to crane flys.

B) As daddy long legs spiders don't contain very potent venom at all.

[*Hoppipolla*]

Dammit, that was my random useless fact!!

Pfft to you!!

*sulks*

:)

[Blue_Panda]

pandas are actualy good animals. wanna know whats rubbish? fish. for one if your any smaller than my moniter, you will die. and the fact that the death isn't instant and you get nawed through. while pandas aren't often eaten, plus there not endangered anymore, so there good. plus if you try to mess with one, they can crush your skull in their jaw. wile fish, if they arent a big one, can bairly do anything to you, let alone crush your skull. didn't expect that did you?

[voiceofcod]

pandas are actualy good animals. wanna know whats rubbish? fish. for one if your any smaller than my moniter, you will die. and the fact that the death isn't instant and you get nawed through. while pandas aren't often eaten, plus there not endangered anymore, so there good. plus if you try to mess with one, they can crush your skull in their jaw. wile fish, if they arent a big one, can bairly do anything to you, let alone crush your skull. didn't expect that did you?

Q. Would you like to know what is actually rubbish?
A. Your spelling and grammar.


Anyway, my vote goes to the pheasant...

roadkill waiting to happen (http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.moorhen.demon.co.uk/pheasnt2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.moorhen.demon.co.uk/pheasant.htm&h=336&w=566&sz=76&hl=en&start=216&tbnid=ndpDQSh0R26ygM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=134&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpheasants%26start%3D200%26ndsp%3D20%2 6svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official_s%26sa%3DN)

It's just so gormless.

edit: rather nice post Zhyl btw, don't know why I read it so long after you made it.

[Norbington]

pandas are actualy good animals. wanna know whats rubbish? fish. for one if your any smaller than my moniter, you will die. and the fact that the death isn't instant and you get nawed through. while pandas aren't often eaten, plus there not endangered anymore, so there good. plus if you try to mess with one, they can crush your skull in their jaw. wile fish, if they arent a big one, can bairly do anything to you, let alone crush your skull. didn't expect that did you?

A white shark would kick a panda's arse.

Actually it would probably eat it...

[Zhyl]

Always open to suggestions and comments :)(especially the aeroplane one. Man, I love that article).

Over the past few weeks I have deduced that cranefly, as previously mentioned, are pretty useless aswell. It would be an interesting face off between them though, like Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Neo; Venom vs terminator two or the Daleks vs a dragon.

[frambonia]

Pandas rock!!!!!!! Moths, flies, earwigs and all bugs must perish!!!!!!!!(that includes all spiders bigger than my fingernail)

[Simon]

The two most useless creatures have to be the daddy long legs and the starfish. Daddy long legs just hover around lights annoying people til they find a window and get smacked with a magazine for being so stupid. Starfishes on the other hand, what is their purpose? Correct me if Im wrong but that is not a fish. How is it alive? What does it do? Its a fucking underwater decoration, not a fish. When sharks get a home starfishes are what they put on the mantelpiece (I cannot verify this fact). And apparently they have no brains either. I dont know whether thats true or whether thats just other fish dissing them...

[crazyMLC]

Daddy long legs just hover around lights annoying people til they find a window and get smacked with a magazine for being so stupid.
true

but spiders are good.
unless they bite you.
they get rid of other annoying animals.

flies.
bees.
ants.

[gimlet]

Ticks, fleas, mites etc. Anything that can be classified as a parasite is USELESS.

[v!Ew`]

Clicky (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shrew.php) - pygmy shrew

[UMIST_For_Ever]

While looking for the most useless animal i notice one site said,
"Cat's urine glows under a black light"
How do you get a black light. As black is an absence of light.


Black light:

A very high frequency ultraviolet light, at the very end of the visible spectrum (violet) and well into the ultraviolet section.


Starfish are dumb, don't get me wrong, we had one in my fish tank at home and it just sat on the water heater burning itself but they are really important because they clean all of the crud that sinks to the bottom of the sea and turn it into Chemicals which corals and weeds can use.

Pandas are utterly, utterly useless...

They normally need a veterinarian or conservationalist to take over and chase them around with a turkey baster...

[v!Ew`]

Pandas are utterly, utterly useless...

They normally need a veterinarian or conservationalist to take over and chase them around with a turkey baster... i lol'd

[t3h-Pie-Eater]

Pandas diet consists mainly of bamboo which actually contains cyanide it eats enough cyanide a day to murder a small chinese village so if pandas became evil they have cyanide tipped teeth OH NOES!!!

GUT OF STEEL!!!:angel: :rolleyes:

[IrishSteve]

I dunno. I reckon I could take a panda. You think they like dancing?

[Ebzy]

what about humans? lol out in the wild what defenses do we have? bugger all thats what

Humans ... you are Rubbish!!

so are salmon... they're born they swim up and down rivers dodging death... finally get to the breeding ground ... then they die anyway when they are done mating.. pfft

Rubbish

[Niamhel]

pandas arent useless, the meake poeple go "aww look its so cute"

nothing that cute could be useless, and in the grand scheme of this, everything is useless, nothing really has a purpose.

[cyber_turnip]

Daddy long legs are the most useless bastards ever, serving only to blunder clumsily into your face

I win
Nuh-uh. Without the daddy long legs, the awesome routine in Ricky Gervais' Animals about how rubbish daddy long legs are wouldn't exist.
Hence, wasps truly are the most pointless pieces of crap on the planet.

[Super Weebl]

Nuh-uh. Without the daddy long legs, the awesome routine in Ricky Gervais' Animals about how rubbish daddy long legs are wouldn't exist.

Are you arguing for or against the Daddy Long Legs?

[Roachy]

You have a good point about pandas being crap. As for daddy long legs... yes. Apparently they ARE highly poinonous but lack the teeth to inject it. Dosy buggers... They're crap too. So where dodos. That's why they died out.

[cyber_turnip]

Are you arguing for or against the Daddy Long Legs?
Well, for them, although I do see the irony in it. I just hate wasps is all.

[Dingbat]

You have a good point about pandas being crap. As for daddy long legs... yes. Apparently they ARE highly poinonous but lack the teeth to inject it. Dosy buggers... They're crap too. So where dodos. That's why they died out.
Urban myth, as we've already explained. Fail.

Pandas are shit. They need to start murdering some smaller animals.

[sursmiley]

Cuddly "aww"-animals are usually psychopaths/killing machines. Not pandas though, they're too busy eating.

[doctor_fruitbat]

Perhaps if we turfed the pandas over to people who aren't vegetarians and gave them a taste for meat again, then they'd have the energy to make the most of their day. Or something.

[FuriousPanda]

:mad: I Dissaprove.

[Niamhel]

na, dont make them go all meat eaters :(


no meat is good.

[stupiddumdum]

what about mcdonalds workers. they can't read, can't write, charge you too much and forget to give you most of your order. They never put down wet floor signs, special offer posters 3 weeks after the offer is over and are always out of happy meal toys.

[FuriousPanda]

stupiddumdum, your sig is huoooooogee!!


Edit - thats better.

[Charming]

Pandas are quite silly but they're very fashion concious, I love the whole black and white thing that they do! Monochromerific! The crappest animals out there have to be mayflies. They wake up, mate, lay some eggs and then DIE. In the same day. Oh well, at least they're time efficient I suppose.

[Chris]

Please don't bump old threads.

[Zhyl]

TBH in this forum it doesn't matter. They're all old and none of them have much chance of making the front page.

[happy-go-lucky]

Just because it's your thread.

[Chris]

Hi-Five!
Wait...you're my sworn enemy.
DAMN YOU!

[carrotcake]

you fluffy bastard! Panda's are cool! it takes guts to be a panda! I happen to have done a lot of work on them so I know my stuff. They run their anus' against a tree to attract female pandas - how manly can you get, also, they are funny when you watch them sneeze (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk)
Come on Furious panda, there is more to us than that

[Clowsrule]

well duh, it's Catface, what does he do?

Nah, Catface is a pimp, and so are pandas, they sell millions of stuffed toys a month!!

['Ello Guv'ner]

Wasps are the worst animal ever and the only purpose they serve is eating slugs and snails, which are useless anyway so lets kill all the slugs and snails in the world and it will kill most of the wasps.