slips of the tongue.

[zero defex.]

recently my dad arrived back from somewhere or other on a business trip and he brought back a book entitled "foolish words" by laura ward. you know, one of those books that sits by the toilet for guests to read while they're dumping their load, chuckling to themselves and slowly shaking it all out.

some of my favourite quotes from the book include:

during a trial in court, an exchange between a lawyer and a witness
L: do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
W: we both do.
L: voodoo?
W: we do.
L: you do?
W: yes, voodoo.

or another courtroom exchange:
L: doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
D: no.
L: blood pressure?
D: no.
L: breathing?
D: no.
L: so then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
D: no.
L: how can you be so sure, doctor?
D: because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
L: but could the patient still have been alive, nevertheless?
D: it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


so i started wondering if anyone here has had any experiences of people making asses of themselves with words? just saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? or perhaps somebody said something that made you laugh unexpectedly?

i remember being on a train to brighton once (seaside town, south of england, anyone who doesn't know) and the train operator said "ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching brighton. may i please inform you that if your feet are feeling a bit wet, we've gone too far." and the whole train burst out laughing.

what about you?

zd.

[octopus360]

There's a fat kid in my class, who no-one really likes, but he thinks he is really cool. He thinks he has a 'best friend' and follows him around all the time and it's really annoying.
One of the embarrasing things that he said was when he was waiting in the form room for the person he follows. Meanwhile, me and his 'best friend', were walking back from our lesson and as soon as we walked in the room, the fat kid steps out from the corner and shouts, "Where have you been?", in that voice that a mother says to her son. He said it a bit too loud and the whole class heard. It was so funny.

[Mat^]

<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
<peng> ...
<peng> what?
<VolteFace`> oh shit
<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you DROP shit

[Hydralisk]

Friend: Do you know they took guillable out of the Dictionary?
Me: Do you know guillable is a kind of fishing art?
Friend: ZOMG! No Wai!!

Oh how I laughed.

[Tweekish]

He said it a bit too loud and the whole class heard. It was so funny.
So, now, when he walks in the room with his 'best friend' everyone hums the wedding song.

Thats not funny, thats just mean.

[Flava Dave]

This thread is depressing. zero defex's ones sound like Joe Pasquale "jokes", octopus360's one is a harrowing tale of schoolyard bullying and isolation and Hydralisk and Mat^ have the dullest friends in the universe.

[Chavvy]

the dullest friends in the world being quotes off bash.org...

... i had a slip of the tongue once. she loved it.

[Ben Stiller]

I was walking home with a friend who had just come back to college after recovering from cancer, and we got to a house with a massive telephone mast next to it.

So I blurted out "Damn, living so close to that mast'll give you cancer!"

And as if that wasn't bad enough... it actually was his house. :/

[Preasure]

I wonder how many people have, at one time or another, called a teacher 'mum' instead of miss? Such embarrasment, especially when in primary school.

[bionic sheep]

I once had a slip of the tongue. I said that Iraq could launch weapons of mass destruction in 45 minutes, rather than 45 years.

How we all laughed about that one.

[Dr_nwa]

the dullest friends in the world being quotes off bash.org...

... i had a slip of the tongue once. she loved it.


Damm
I am way too slow :(

[AngryPaul]

I wonder how many people have, at one time or another, called a teacher 'mum' instead of miss? Such embarrasment, especially when in primary school.Its much worse in secondary/college/university/bed.

[poliobear]

I was playing "Pictionary" and I confused "Desert" with "Dessert". Mind you this was only about 3 months ago, and I still don't know which one's which.

[MONKEY050]

Desert = OMG WE'RE BURNING!
Dessert = OMG WE'RE TASTY!

:eng101: :D

[poliobear]

or perhaps "SS equals Strawberry Strudel and S equals scorched"?

[tom93]

I make your mum jokes and "that's what she said" jokes too often, so I end up saying I have a tiny penis way too often, because my brain is slower than my tongue.
Ah well.

[Star]

Was asleep at 8 am in school in my tutor room (school doesn't start till 8.50) and my dean (year head) walks into the room and sees me asleep comes over and starts bashin the table with his mug. I screamed and started shouting at him cursing every single foul word that I know of...he walked out of the room without saying anything (I'm the quiet one in the back that never says anything type) and the rest of the girls in the room were just laughing at me when I finally stopped cursing and came to when they told me who I was roaring at...:P it was funny afterwards

[Macca]

Was asleep at 8 am in school in my tutor room (school doesn't start till 8.50) and my dean (year head) walks into the room and sees me asleep comes over and starts bashin the table with his mug. I screamed and started shouting at him cursing every single foul word that I know of...he walked out of the room without saying anything (I'm the quiet one in the back that never says anything type) and the rest of the girls in the room were just laughing at me when I finally stopped cursing and came to when they told me who I was roaring at...:P it was funny afterwards

lol, just plain lol, that's hilarious! It's his fault, no person is held accountable for what happens when they are just woken up.

Especially when your female flatmate comes in to wake you up and sits on your bed and you accidentally feel her up because the last part of your dream had her in it and it was a sex dream...

(Seriouness, not me, a friend of my sisters!)

I once called my Dad a axe-wound rag in the pub but managed to convince him that I said couldn't drag by realising instantly after I said it and mumbling incoherently afterwards then repeating the whole thing making a whole conversation about dumping hypothetical dead bodies...

[Cactusman]

There's a fat kid in my class, who no-one really likes, but he thinks he is really cool. He thinks he has a 'best friend' and follows him around all the time and it's really annoying.
One of the embarrasing things that he said was when he was waiting in the form room for the person he follows. Meanwhile, me and his 'best friend', were walking back from our lesson and as soon as we walked in the room, the fat kid steps out from the corner and shouts, "Where have you been?", in that voice that a mother says to her son. He said it a bit too loud and the whole class heard. It was so funny.
OMG! You've been following me!

[Stealth Chimp]

one of those books that sits by the toilet for guests to read while they're dumping their load, chuckling to themselves and slowly shaking it all out.

O_o

[codename_47]

Not so much a slip of the tounge but a slip of the...formatting...

I recieved a very strange e-mail from a friend once.

Telling it from his point of view is funnier though.
So, he was telling me how he is really getting into the spirit world and how much he believes there's something into it etc and after a couple of paragraphs of this he returned to replying to the original topics of my e-mail, one of which happened to be rollercoasters, for whatever reason.

So another paragraph is typed out about his favourite coasters, then ends with this line:

"So yeah, I love rollercoasters, I think they're one of mankind's best inventions, AND I FULLY BELIEVE IN THEIR EXISTANCE!"

When I replied I was confused about him thinking I doubted rollercoasters existed he said the believe line should've gone about ten sentances earlier, during the spirits talk

But it started a "hilarious" time of us doubting things existed....especially
rollercoasters....

*Sigh* This was funnier in my head....

[Blargo]

my sisters friend was a chubby bitch and looked like a prostitot and i meant to call her a pretty big pig but just called her a pretty pig

[Smartie]

my sisters friend was a chubby bitch and looked like a prostitot and i meant to call her a pretty big pig but just called her a pretty pig

How unpleasant you are!

[Zhyl]

I am the sort of person who when I think of something to say there are usually two ways of saying it and if neither is better than the other in a situation my brain fuses the two together and I end up saying something stupid that is a hybrid of both.

My randomness in life comes from somebody saying something that triggers a train of thought that I will think about for a couple of minutes and then say something out loud when I either reach a conclusion or I end up with a question that I have no other way of finding. No so much a slip of the tongue as slip of the mind I suppose.

There also used to be a boy called Peter Breakspeare who used to utter the most unintelligible shite in the world so whenever somebody in our year says something stupid we all shout "Aha! PBJ (peter breakspeare job)!"
A good example of this is when we were talking normally and then one of my mates for no reason suddenly said "Yes, bonfires." I had that as my custom title for a while.