The joke thread

[Mr stabby]

Lets hear all your jokes folks.
Ok mine is : Leeds UTD will stay in the prem for the remainder of this season and next. Winter and Spring

[terrorbite]

Originally posted by Mr stabby
Lets hear all your jokes folks.
Ok mine is : Leeds UTD will stay in the prem for the remainder of this season and next. Winter and Spring

Ummm... ok.

Anyway:

What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant

[Digga]

ok ok, if you're a little kiddy or easily offended, look away now.

A man walks into a bar, in the bar there is a bloke sitting by the bar drinking, and a male dog sitting on the floor licking his nuts. The first man who entered (man #1) says to the other man (man #2) "why is that dog doing that?". Man #2 replies with "because he can, i suppose". Man #1 thinks for a minute, and says "yeah, but shouldn't you pet him first?"

[Zweee]

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag:
Ones white and a danger to young children, the other carries your shopping.

[Mr stabby]

Originally posted by Zweee
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag:
Ones white and made of plastic and a danger to young children, the other carries your shopping.

[prodigy69]

How many spammers does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They expect it to remove itself.

[Dr S]

y did you reply with the same joke, you didn;t even rewrite it

neway

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6239

loads of jokes here

[Dr. Dodge]

What do an ostrich a pelican and the inland revenue have in common?



They can all stick their bills up their ass

[Mr stabby]

Originally posted by Dr S
y did you reply with the same joke, you didn;t even rewrite it

neway

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6239

loads of jokes here

i put a bit on it i bolded it but it kinda did that anyway.
i put in the made of plastic bit

[Zweee]

Too true,
Whats the difference between clint eastwood and anal sex, One makes you day teh other makes you whole week.

[elliekinz]

Originally posted by Mr stabby
Lets hear all your jokes folks.
Ok mine is : Leeds UTD will stay in the prem for the remainder of this season and next. Winter and Spring
i dont like you!!
joke: michael jackson walks into a building, you thought he would have seen it.

[terrorbite]

Originally posted by elliekinz
joke: michael jackson walks into a building, you thought he would have seen it.

I don't get it. Why Michael Jackson?

[elliekinz]

Originally posted by terr0rbite
I don't get it. Why Michael Jackson?
fine then change the name to someone you dont like it can be anyone.

[AngryPaul]

did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He drwoned in his own Vimto

[bigmother]

a blonde gets sick of all the blonde jokes being told and dyes her hair brown. She goes for a nice country drive, eventually she comes upon a farmer getting a herd of sheep across the country lane.

the blonde: "I like your sheep, they're very pretty"
the farmer: "I'll tell you what, if you can guess how many I have, then you can choose your favourite and take it away with you"
the blonde: "erm, 72"
the farmer looking shocked: "thats correct, you can choose one I suppose"

the blonde chooses her favourite sheep and is about to drive away when the farmer says: "If I guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?"

[AngryPaul]

Three blondes walking through the woods, them come to a long clearing and spot something.

Blonde 1: "Look at that! That's Bear tracks!"

Blonde 2: "I dont think so, thats Fox tracks"

Blonde 3: "You're both wrong, thats Wolf tracks"

Than they were hit by a train!

[renatzu]

What do you call a blonde with a black wig?
Artificial intelligence

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops and they enter a barn with 3 empty potato sacks. The cops enter and approach the first sack which has the brunette. She says "meow" and they go on. They come to the second sack which has the redhead. She says "woof" and they go on. They come to the third sack which has the blonde. She says "potaaaaatoe"

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios
Oh, Look! Donut seeds

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
said,"We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"

A little brunette girl is jumping up and down on the train tracks and chanting: "42, 42, 42." A blonde sees her and decides to join. A train comes along and at the last instant the little girl jumps off and the blonde is hit. The little girl runs back up onto the tracks and begins chanting: "43, 43,43......"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped into save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you have regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

What's the best thing to come out of Vermont?
I-95

What are the four seasons in Vermont
Winter, winter, still winter, and mud
:D :D :D :D :D

[Fellatio!]

what's green and says "hey i'm a frog"

a talking frog

how does a midget say goodbye?

he microwaves

[cadex]

whats blue and fucks grannies?




fanta in her lucky blue jacket





also


whats blue and makes mothers cry?



cot death.

[prodigy69]

cadex I've noticed you rupies count was £666 :D

and that last joke was true evil! :twisted:

eep

[SemiCircle]

what's red and brown and has two legs?

half a dog.

[TusksRUs]

Originally posted by cadex
whats blue and fucks grannies?




fanta in her lucky blue jacket
LOL

[squealpiggy]

A blonde goes into hospital with both her ears badly burned. The doctor asks her what happened, she says "It was really stupid, I was ironing and my boyfriend called and I picked up the iron thinking it was the phone!". The doctor asks "What happened to your other ear?". The blonde replies "He told me to call him back!"

[AngryPaul]

Originally posted by Fellatio!
what's green and says "hey i'm a frog"

a talking frog

You watched that Friends on T4 then as well :p

Dyslexic man wals into a BRA ;)

[prodigy69]

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

[mr jones]

what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
homeless

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one, but the rest of the band have to show him how to do it first

a monkey and a bear are walking through the forest when they see a magic lamp. the bear rubs it and lo and behold out comes a genie. its the whole 3 wishes deal so the bear says 'i want every bear in the forest to be female' wooosh. they are. and its the monkeys turn. 'i want a crash helmet' cue funny looks, shrugs and a helmet from the genie. then the bear has another turn ' i wish all the bear in the next forest are female!!' he;s getting quite exited now! and the monkey goes 'i want a very fast motor bike' the genie gives him a bike, glad that this wish is more normall. its now the final wish and the bear is VERY exited 'i wish every bear in the whole world is female, exept me of course!!!' and he got his way so all the bears in the world are female. the monkey thinks for a bit, slowly get s on his bike and starts it up. ' i wish that this bear is gay'.

[fat bear]

What is the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne comes on your face after your thirteen

[bionic sheep]

What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexic Association

[squealpiggy]

What's shit and has nine arms?

Def Leppard.

[prodigy69]

hahahahahahaha + :D

[freddiestarfish]

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive


What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

[squealpiggy]

Musician jokes are rubbish! How can you tell when a drummer is knocking on the door?
he keeps speeding up and doesn;t know when to come in.

What do you call a hundred dead guitarists at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

How many bassoonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I DON'T FECKIN CARE BECAUSE I'M NOT A MUSICIAN!!!

Tell jokes about national disasters and paedo celebrities instead.

What's got four legs and goes "SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"?
Rod Hull's telly.

[freddiestarfish]

just because you dont like them doesn't mean noone else would. You dont have the only opinion in the world that matters...


Whats the difference between squealpiggy and sewer rats?
some people actually like sewer rats.

[squealpiggy]

My opinion is the most important in the world and that last joke was poohey.

[Zweee]

Anybody know some really sick jokes, which arent funny? well they are if ur twisted

[mr jones]

whats small, pink and wrinky and belongs to your grandad?
your grandma

i dont have a sick mind, sorry

[elliekinz]

how do you confuse a man u fan?
you show them a map of manchester!!

my old art teacher pissed himself when he heard that.

[prodigy69]

This penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman;

"Have you seen my dad?"

and the Barman replies;

"No, what does he look like?"

:D

[Mr stabby]

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"

"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."

"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

[Zweee]

OK if ur easily offended look away now, these are sick jokes: heh i love telling these at parties:












































































How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javellin through its head

Whats small pink and walks through corridors sideways?
A baby with a javellin through its head

Whats small pink and taps on glass?
A baby in a microwave

What do paedophiles have after dinner?
Under eights

What do you do when youve had a baby?
Pull its nappy up

What did the paedophile say when he came out of prison?
"Ahhhh i feel like a kid again

Whats pink and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A dead baby

Whats green and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A dead baby a week later

ok ill stop there, i have no idea who came up with these, but they go through my school like wildfire when we get a new one....i have worse, but im afraid to post them cos i might get shouted at :( hehehe

[AngryPaul]

They were quite bad :( put me off my tea

[Zweee]

:D sorry...... ill leave the others for later ;)

[Aquarium]

how is a woman like a fridge?


they both leak when they're f*cked:rolleyes:

[Zweee]

HAHAHAHA + hehe i like that one :)
What do u do if ur dishwasher breaks down?
Slap the bitch :twisted:

[AngryPaul]

"The other day my wife asked me to buy her a watch. I said what the f*ck for? Theres a clock on the cooker!"

How does a porostitute keep her ankles warm?

She doesnt go commando (bit pants that one)

[Maximuz]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

[Aquarium]

a bit of tarmac is sitting in a bar, mouthing off about how tough he is.

all of a sudden a red piece of tarmmac wonders though the door and the tarmac mouthing off at the table dives behind the bar.

someone leans over to him and says "hey, i thought you said yu where tought, wtf you hiding??"

thae tarmac shaking peers round the edge of the bar and whispers "i may be tough, but he's a cyclepath!"

:D :D :D

[Zweee]

lol ive heard that joke told about 4 different ways now, but that was a new way.

2 smarties sitting in a bar, when a jellybaby walks in. The jellybaby sits down with a polo, and they decide to have a game of pool.
When all of a sudden a couple of lockets walk in and start beating the hell outta the poor defencless jellybaby. The jellybaby cries out for help, but the smarties look on regardless. after the lockets eventually get bored and walk away, the smartie staggers over to the smarties and asks "why didnt you help me?"
to which the smarties reply oh we wudve but those lockets are menthol.

:D :D :D menthol.

[Charter Coaches]

What's white and stupid?

The majority of Britain.

[Mr stabby]

Originally posted by Charter Coaches
What's white and stupid?

The majority of Britain.

only the polititions and peados and killers and.......hey wait youre onto something there

and how do you break a blondes nose??



Put a dildo under a glass table.

[Zweee]

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink

Why cant women ski?
Theres no mountain between the bedroom and the Kitchen

Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only need to tell a computer something once

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing youve already told her twice

[FaerieLady]

Originally posted by Online_Heist
how is a woman like a fridge?


they both leak when they're f*cked:rolleyes:

How is a woman NOT like a fridge?




The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. :p


I love that joke. I can't remember where I heard it though...:confused:

[Aquarium]

Originally posted by FaerieLady
How is a woman NOT like a fridge?




The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. :p


I love that joke. I can't remember where I heard it though...:confused:

hehe, + for you methinks.


how is a man not like a computer?

with a computer a 3 1/2" floppy is of some use.


(thought i should even up the sexism)

[Skater_kin]

So i pirate walks into a bar , with a steering wheel in his pants...

BARTENDER: Dude...your got a steering wheel on ur pants...

PIRATE: YARR I KNOW!! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

HAHAHA

[Zweee]

hehe, the joke is old but the YARRR heeehehehe :D

[Mr stabby]

Knock Knock:
Whos there?:
Bigish:
Bigish who?:
No ta i got it from that guy up there.

And sorry if this offends.

I said to a big issue seller knock knock and he sad whos there.
i said back." I though you were fecking homeless" ill have me quid back you robbin ba**ard

[Aquarium]

long joke but i like it:


Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball
into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found
a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that
whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or
better."

The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog
warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women
will flock to him."

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in
the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his,
and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in
the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

[Mr stabby]

ive heard it told differently but that was a good way.
+ for you

[Aquarium]

another long one, but i like this one more:


the man with the Orange dick


A man goes to the doctor becuase he has noticed his dick has turned orange.

"what do you think could be causing it?" he asks the doctor.

the doctor is at a total loss, the only thing he can think of is stress.

"are you stressed at work at all?" he asks
"nope, i won the lottery last month and have permanently retired, its great!" replies the man.

"what about your sex life, is your girlfriend causing you stress?" the doctor tries next.
"Nope, we broke up a few months back, she used to nag constantly, now i use my fortune to go see prostitutes whenever i fell like it" the man says with a grin.

running out of options the doctor then says "What about your social life, does that cause you any strees, do you fell under pressure from your friends?"

to this the man says
"i don't really have much of a social life to be honest, nor many friends. i just sit at home watch porn and eat wotsits.........":D :D

didnt tel it very well but the gyst is there

[Zweee]

heh heh, funny
ok long joke

Two men are sitting in the park, and they really wanna get drunk, cos its a friday night, only problem is they have 50p between them.
So one man turns to the other and says "ive got an idea gimme that 50p"
So he goes into a buchers shop and buys a sausage...
"OK, lets go" he says.
So they go off to the pub and order a couple of pints. While the barmen is pulling the pints, the first man puts the sausage down his trousers, turns to the other and says
"Right, get down on you knees and pretend to give me a blowjob"
"......" is the reply
"just DO it" the first guy says.
So relcutantly the guy gets down on his knees and starts sucking on the sausage.
Upon seeing this the barmen says
"OI YOU TWO, we dont have any of that in this pub, drink up and piss off"
So they drink there drinks and leave...without paying.

On they go to another pub, and pull the same trick, and again, and again...
It gets to 11 pubs, they are by this time..wasted
the second guy says to the first
"oh man, i dont think i can drink anymore, im wasted"
"oh your telling me, i lost the sausage in the third pub"
:D

[Mr stabby]

ha ha ha i had to read it twice through but i got it now :D

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"


10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

and
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Zweee]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper...sold his soul to santa

[Mr stabby]

hasnt that already been posted? mabye it was somewhere else.
Still funny

[demonic cow]

lol zwee, do you have something against dyslexic people?

[AngryPaul]

A nice heap of + for you two's

[cadex]

whats the definition of "out of order"?

strapping a bomb to someones wheelchair and shouting "LEG IT!"

[pie=good]

Ok a polish joke i heard a while back.

There was this comedian who was very good at what he did, he was so good that he was asked to come have an audience with the pope. when the comedian got there and all of the formalities were done and over with, the comedian began to tell a polish joke. the pope interupted him and said ' my son, I am polish' the comedian looks at him for a second and says 'thats ok, ill tell the joke slowly.'

yea its old, but i still like it.

[Mr stabby]

whats the definition of cruelty.
Putting a blind man on the edge of a cliff and saying.
One more step and your sight will return

[Zweee]

hehe, i have nothing against nobody, i just love telling jokes, its what i live for, id be a stand up comic, but my wit aint quite sharp enough, i have to prepare jokes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He brought a wharehouse

[Mr stabby]

My mum won a trolley dash round netto and piled the trolley up 4 feet high.

£11.42

[Mr stabby]

The Top 6 Ways a Football is Like a Blonde

6. Both are made out of plastic.
5. Both are full of hot air.
4. Both are frequently passed from man to man.
3. Both have been known to score.
2. Both are often handled by hot, sweaty guys on television.
1. Women aren't especially fond of them

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.
“Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget.
The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.”
The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.

and :
The Blonde and the Zipper

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees an extremely beautiful blonde in a tight mini-skirt, and decides to get on the bus directly behind her. As the bus pulls up, she begins to board the bus, but cannot make the first step with her mini zipped. She reaches behind her and undoes the zipper. Then she attempts to board the bus, and once again she fails in her attempt. She reaches behind her once more and undoes the same zipper. She tries again to board the bus, and again she fails in her attempts. The young man finally decides just to lift her into the bus.
When he lifts her she yells, “Don't get fresh with me!”

The young man just looks at her and says, “Lady you've just undone my zipper twice, and now you say that I'm getting fresh with you!”

[Charter Coaches]

Why did the child cry?

Because his father molested him.

[junior]

erm... do i hear a laugh.... no

[Charter Coaches]

Erm... do I see someone using school playground phrases more commonly seen in 1996... yah.

[junior]

does charter need a slap... OH YES I THINK SO!

[Fellatio!]

Munky is so cool











NOT

[junior]

i just dont like it when people act like idiots (and i admit i do often)

[Playbus]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £500 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £500 he owes me?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A seven year old and a four year old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the seven-year-old. "I think we should start swearing". The four-year-old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"OK," agrees the four-year-old with enthusiam. The mother walks into the kitchem and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh shit, Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco pops." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice: "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I dont know," he blubbers, "but it wont be fucking Coco Pops."

[junior]

lmao, they good

[Mr stabby]

thank yaw playbus for nudging the tread back on topic.

how can you tell when a blondes been using the computer?
The joystick is all wet.

[Aquarium]

thy claim this is true but it aint: (still funny though)

-----------------------------------------------

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."

#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"

#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

[Zweee]

how can you tell a 2nd blondes been using a computer
theres cheese in front of the mouse

[Aquarium]

a smeg load of short jokes, some are on here already i think, but i cant be arsed, it's a straight c/p from th email i got.

here you go

>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A jump lead walks into a bar.
>
>The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A sandwich walks into a bar.
>
>The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
>please, and one for the road."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman
>comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
>
>The man says "A premature ej&cul&tion"
>
>"What?" says the woman.
>
>The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
>
>The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Two cannibals are eating a clown.
>
>One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
>
>The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
>
>Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>
>"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>
>"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
>
>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
>electron."
>
>The other says, "Are you sure?"
>
>The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Answer phone message
>
>"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed,is
>there
>anything you can do for him? "
>
>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
>examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
>
>"I'm going to have to put him down."
>
>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
>reach the meat off the top shelf. "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks
>are too high."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
>currant.
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor,
>doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had
>to amputate your arms"
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the
>doc.
>
>"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!"
>says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
>
>"Like a glove."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
>hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself


i apologise for the lameness of some of these, but some are also good
>

[Zweee]

heh worst jokes of the centuary,
u have been warned


whats pink and fluffy
pink fluff

Whats blue an fluffy
Cold pink fluff.

Whats brown and sticky
A stick

Whats white and black and red all over
a newspaper

what ELSE is black and white and red all over
micahael jackson with sunburn

[Mr stabby]

Originally posted by Zweee
heh worst jokes of the centuary,
u have been warned


whats pink and fluffy
pink fluff

Whats blue an fluffy
Cold pink fluff.

Whats brown and sticky
A stick

Whats white and black and red all over
a newspaper

what ELSE is black and white and red all over
micahael jackson with sunburn

what ELSE is black and white and red all over.
a red zebra

Santa a smart blonde and a dumb blonde are playing snap. who wins?

The dumb blonde cos the other too dont exist.

sorry to the tenyearolds like youlikeyams? who i have just spoilt the magic of xmas for.Bah Bumhug!

[Urks]

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you.



Nacho Cheese :)

What do you call a fish with no eyes.


A fsh. :)


Yeah I know i am a dork. :)

[Mr stabby]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?
No "i"dea.

[AngryPaul]

Originally posted by Mr stabby
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
No "i"dea.

*What about one with no legs and no eyes?

Still no i-deer

*What about one with no legs, and no eyes?

Still, f*cking no i-deer

[plattbridger]

Parts of Liverpool City Centre were cordoned off today when a suspect device was found attached to a car parked near Lime Street Station.

The police later identified the device as a Tax Disk.

[AngryPaul]

lol

No offence to Welsh people, Im part Welsh so...........

What do you call four sheep tied to a lamp-post

A Welsh leisure centre

:( sorry :(

[Mr stabby]

What has 100 teeth and eats weiners?
A zipper

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
I love that one.

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

[AngryPaul]

:D + for Mister Stabbius

[plattbridger]

Leeds Utd are like an broken bra

No cups and little support


(insert team of choice)

[Alomie]

whats brown and smells like poo?

Poo


(well my 11 year old brother finds it hilarious everytime! the simplicity makes it funny)

there are two eggs in a pan of boiling water, egg one says "it' a bit hot in here, isn't it?"
egg number two says "wait untill you get out there, they crack you head int"
egg number one says "AAAHHHHHH, a talking egg!"

[Mr stabby]

some poo is green.
Why did beckham pick 23 when 7 was unavailable.
I quote" Ill still have 7. 2+3=7 silly"

Why else did beckham pick 23 when 7 was unavailable.
His IQ

[junior]

how do you tell when a blonde has been using microsoft word...

there is tipex on the screen (or white-out for you weirdos)

[Mr stabby]

ha!

I just thought this up(ive had insparation from tv. i just put it in joke form)
Two hillbillys are making out and the womans parents walk in.
she says"joe-bob stop it, not infront of my parents."
Joe-Bob says" Marie-anne, there my parents too"

[Aquarium]

capitalism across the world (long sorry)

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
you sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell the herd and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create irritating cow
cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide at fantastic profit.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a
month, and milk themselves.

AN ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
Who cares, The EU Really owns them now and the pub is still
serving

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The younger one is rather attractive

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
Western suburbs style....
You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows
You die the first time you try and milk them.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
you don't know what they are used for as they aren't sheep.

[Greg]

This guys sitting at the bar, just getting fucking hammered. Guy accumulates a nice array of empty beer bottles in front of him. So the bartender says-

"Will you be able to get home alright, Rich?"

Richard replies-

"Ah, fuck yeah, it's no problem. I'm just three blocks away!"

So Richard just falls off of the stool and starts dragging his body, and does this for three blocks until he reaches his house.

The next morning, Richard's wife sees him lying on the ground in the kitchen. She asks "Did you go out drinking all night?"

"What gives you that idea?" Richard asks.

The wife answers-

"Because you left your goddam wheelchair at the bar again."

[Magpie]

How many indie kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

4

1 to actualy change it

and 3 to argue who changed it first in a small club before it was cool.

[Dødens Knekt]

didn't find this joke when I searched for it...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

FISH!

[Mr stabby]

ha ah magpie and pinky. +s for yous two.

what is teh definition of cruelty.
sticking a starving amn in a circle room and saying"Foods in teh corner"

[smiley999uk]

Did you get that off the simpsons mr stabby :D? (the joke about the hillbillies)

[Mr stabby]

yeah cletus and brandeen.

[Greg]

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

Goddam I'm lame.

[GorillaBearBear]

These are in poor taste and may cause offence, hence the spoiler tags. You were warned.

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones
With a Pitchfork!

How do you get 100 babies in a bucket
With a blender

How do you get them out again?
With Doritos!

How do you make a baby go 100feet
With a Catapult

What is it afterwards?
Free Pizza