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Drattigan
29-03-2008, 11:30 PM
Team Fortress 2
Available on PC, PLAYSTATION®3 and Xbox 360
Developed and published by Valve Corporation
PEGI: 16+

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/1633/ldbe6ff6459a18be148bbeeps6.jpg

Team Fortress 2, you say?
A BREATH-TAKING MULTIPLAYER EXPERIENCE, YOU SAY?
PRACTICALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’LL EVER LAY EYES ON, YOU SAY?
TRYING TO IMPERSONATE FOGHORN LEGHORN, YOU SAY?

Unsurprisingly, there was a lot of build up to it. The development was practically a rollercoaster ride (unlike Oblivion at Alton Towers however, as that would imply the said ‘rollercoaster ride’ build up was rather short and lacking energy in a short period of time) in which nobody was sure how the finished product would turn out, and with that it sent out a fiery cloud of hype. Most of us actually wet ourselves when we saw the finalised visual style, and most of us wanted to make passionate love with the Heavy soon after hearing his voice.

http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/8924/beforeandafterts2.png
From khaki to Heavy Weapons malarky (..I'm sorry, that was a terrible rhyme).

So, bar that brief mention of delicious graphics and voice acting, what’s Team Fortress 2 all about?

As the name implies, Team Fortress 2 is team-based. It’s all about opposing teams fighting for a common goal. So much emphasis is put into ‘working together’ that it is almost impossible to complete an objective without team-mates accompanying you. This brings together a very warm (metaphorical type of warm obviously, unless you turn up the heating) community.

Inside each team, there are nine classes. These are then split into three types, Offense, Defense and Support. It’s pretty obvious to work out what each type specialises in. The great thing about this is even if your own particular preference leads you to adore JUMBO WEAPONRY, there’s enough scope between the types to draw you towards perfecting each one.

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/6845/677pxtf2classeskq4.jpg
The Orange Box yearbook: The Class of '9.

The advantages and disadvantages of each class means that everyone depends on everyone: for example, one moment you may be needed to shower lead with a Defense type and then next, if it’s a busy server, perhaps needed as a Support type to help your friends. You’re constantly swapping from class to class so there’s never a dull moment. I can only hope that this is the cause of the spreading TF2 addiction, rather than the free nicotine supplied with each game…

LOL YEW BREEFLY MENSHUNED DA GRAFIX.
WOT R DEY LIEK?

The great thing about the visuals in Team Fortress 2 is that they’re there to keep you laughing and entertained, rather than completely astound you like in Uncharted or Heavenly Sword. Everything is well-animated, well-structured, convincing and absolutely hilarious (like me).

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/8947/tf22fortar4.jpg
I hope those farmers are happy and that this isn't just another marketing fraud.

Valve's eye for detail is extraordinary. Gaze around any of the scenarios and you'll get a real sense of the sheer amount of time they spent on decoration. What makes this gaze even more wonderful is the fact that the detail is stylised, meaning that objects used in-game can be something extravagant or something that the designers would be unable to feature in a realistic setting. For example, a Spy class that is disguised as an enemy player appears to fellow team mates wearing a paper-mask tied with string. Other small details too, such as fire from the flamethrower turning into bubbles whilst underwater, really keep you immersed in the cartoon world accompanied with Team Fortress 2. It's enough to make your sexual reproduction organs EXPLODE.

http://img359.imageshack.us/img359/6904/teamfortress2pyroqa5.jpg
The voice acting for the Pyro is some of the best in the biz. Believe me.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for voice acting and multiple accents, but I would consider the speech one of the greatest aspects of the entire game. Every class has its own unique voice, and every unique voice has its memorable phrases. Even Ellen McLain (renowned for her appearance as GLaDOS in Portal) features in the voice acting, and her voice is fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia. Yum.

Oh daddy dear, you know you’re still number one, but Valve, they wanna have fu-un, and to excuse the Cyndi Lauper reference, it really shows in the game. ‘Fun’ is the one word I would choose to sum up the entire experience- though ‘moist’ is second on the list.

The game does have its drawbacks though. My biggest concern is the lack of modes. All that is currently on offer is Capture the Flag and Control Point, which can both become tiresome after a while. It’s easy to forget that you’re limited to these two game types though because of the variety in maps- but this still doesn’t stop it from becoming repetitive. It’s rumoured that new game types could be on offer as downloadable content for the PC and 360 , although it’s still hard to say. It’s also still hard to say whether this myth of new content will ever be considered truth for the PS3 as Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve (the company behind TF2), claims that the console is a “waste of everybody’s time”. Just wait until they get MGS4 Mr Newell, THEN WE’LL SEE WHO’S A WASTE OF TIME.

The other drawback is the fact that the game is only online multiplayer. This means that if your console does not have access to the internet, you're not going to be able to play it, and there's no way around this BUT to install a connection. You could use LAN to play offline, but to do so you would need multiple computers and nobody really has that kind of money to throw about unless they happen to be Richard Branson. It might've been nice for there to have been an offline splitscreen option, though it probably would have ruined certain elements of the game such as the Spy disguise mentioned earlier.

http://img187.imageshack.us/img187/3460/1183145341fd6.jpg
In TF2, there will be bloodshed; and to build some, you won't need to nip to B&Q to purchase some plywood.

Everything about Team Fortress 2 is entertaining, and it’s hard not to smile whilst you’re playing it (unless, ofcourse, you can’t smile, to which you have my condolences). It’s worth the buy, and especially so as it’s merely an extra as part of The Orange Box (http://orange.half-life2.com/). Not only are you getting Team Fortress 2 with this package, but four other full length games.

IT’S A BARGAIN, OUI?

My penultimate advice to the hungry consumers is that if you are considering buying this game I would recommend getting it on the PC. Although there is no fault in getting it on the PS3 or 360, you are getting more for your money with the PC edition- basically because of the multitude of extra features it has compared to the console versions; most notably of these features, custom maps. The one problem I've found with the PC version however is that many would much prefer the thrill of using a controller to play Team Fortress. Though these people are probably backward and infirm as they cannot handle PC gaming, they must bear in mind that if they get the PLAYSTATION®3 version of the shenanigans it may occasionally suffer from slow loading times, frame-rate issues and lag.

My final advice then- dish out some squids and buy The Orange Box. You’ll thank me in the afterlife.

http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/5888/halflife2orangebox20070mo7.jpg
The Sniper and the Engineer, doing what they do best: nothing.

DA VERDICT, YO.
+ If you have actually cared about this since 1998, then it's well-worth the ten years anticipation.
+ Stylised world and hilarious voice acting that go hand in hand.
+ Awesome concept and game play
- Little choice of game modes
- No offline splitscreen multiplayer

9/10
In the words of Typhoo, two thumbs fresh.

Paradigm^
30-03-2008, 11:16 AM
Two people are allowed to review the same game, you know. It's not like you have to reserve a game for review...you can just add your review to the thread about that game.

Drattigan
30-03-2008, 03:28 PM
Right, the review is now up.
ENJOY.

Taekwon-joe
30-03-2008, 03:35 PM
Maybe you could mention the weebls-stuff server unless were just meant to stick to reviewing only.

Good job.

Smowy
30-03-2008, 03:39 PM
Good review, you needed to touch a bit more on the bad things about it, the glitches etc. It's too much saying "Team Fortress 2 is great" You brought up the lack of game modes, but what about the griefers? The little kids who talk non stop for an hour? The people who get you trapped? Unpleasent sprays? add in all of the bad things and then it's got everything (I think.)

Taekwon-joe
30-03-2008, 03:43 PM
The little kids who talk non stop for an hour? The people who get you trapped? Unpleasent sprays?

I think things like this are to be expected from games like this. I suppose it would do no harm to mention it but its not really valves fault.

Smowy
30-03-2008, 03:47 PM
Still a problem however, I'm sure you'd mention it in a halo review.
Also remember the fact spies continually facestab people, and other times their backstab fails to register.

Drattigan
30-03-2008, 03:48 PM
Still a problem however, I'm sure you'd mention it in a halo review.No, you wouldn't. It's a review of the game, not the players. :p

Smowy
30-03-2008, 03:51 PM
Fair point. You also didn't mention the custom maps, which are awesome.

Taekwon-joe
30-03-2008, 04:03 PM
Fair point. You also didn't mention the custom maps, which are awesome.

I know this is off topic but I think the weebls-stuff server should put in a few more custom maps. I know theres ctf-weeblsstuff coming soon but until then why not put in something like cp-castle.

Shalashaska
30-03-2008, 06:27 PM
My pleasure.
…it’s called ‘sarcasm’.
It is?
Yes.
Oh, sorry.
It’s alright, I’ll forgive you.

Get rid of this bit and your review will be sexy.

Paradigm^
30-03-2008, 06:31 PM
I get the feeling that you're trying just a little bit too hard to get lols.

Drattigan
30-03-2008, 07:20 PM
Frequent joke-telling is basically the essence of my written collection.

Youlikeyams?
31-03-2008, 06:55 AM
Some of the jokes which are more integrated into the text itself (such as the heating one, that got a giggle out of me) are better to read and make the whole shebang look a little neater, more structured and sensible, so try and go for more of that and less of the jokes in capitals which take

unnecessary
line
breaks
like this.

Still a good review though, well written save for some of the more obvious gags. The best humour is understated. :)

Drattigan
31-03-2008, 09:20 PM
New parts added, and existing parts re-structured.
FEEDBACKPLZ.

La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo
31-03-2008, 09:27 PM
Now that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.



Dethklok?

I enjoyed this review, apart from the sarcasm bit, didn't find it funny in all honesty.

Drattigan
01-04-2008, 08:16 AM
Was it only that bit you disliked?

Shalashaska
01-04-2008, 05:11 PM
Yeah, please get rid of the long conversation bit.

"So, bar that brief mention of delicious graphics and voice acting, what’s Team Fortress 2 all about?
Well, I’m glad you used yet another rhetorical question." is fine, if you said "asked" instead of "used".

Drattigan
01-04-2008, 05:25 PM
Alright, no worries. I'll bring out the literature knife and do a bit of chopping momentarily.

Shalashaska
01-04-2008, 07:34 PM
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Drattigan again.

Heck yes.

La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo
01-04-2008, 08:10 PM
In response, it was the only bit I disliked.

But seriously, was that a Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle reference, or just coincidence I remembered it and giggled?

Drattigan
02-04-2008, 02:35 PM
Another mass edit has been done. This time around, things are alot tidier. I've cut out some of the less necessary jokes, and thrown in some smaller ones to lighten up the solid review parts. I've also re-organised where the pictures are situated, and added some new ones.

Thanks to everyone (though Paradigm^ in particular) for thier feedback thus far.

Shalashaska
02-04-2008, 03:18 PM
Wut?

Shintaz
02-04-2008, 03:51 PM
- No offline multiplayer option


Offline multiplayer? Meaning LAN? Because you would be able to get a TF2 LAN going. If you don't mean LAN, I can't see how "Offline Multiplayer" can make sense. Offline single player with bots? ;)

Drattigan
02-04-2008, 03:52 PM
It might not work on the PC, but it would definatly work on the PS3 or 360 with multiple controllers and some friends.

Shintaz
02-04-2008, 04:18 PM
It might not work on the PC, but it would definatly work on the PS3 or 360 with multiple controllers and some friends.

It would work on the PC with some friends with the same connection.
AKA a Lan party.

Never mind. Good review overall, enjoyed reading it.

White Tiger
02-04-2008, 09:21 PM
I read it drat.
Stop pestering me!

Shintaz
03-04-2008, 02:46 PM
The Sniper and the Engineer, doing what they do best: nothing.

That'd make two of nine classes seem useless and the readers would think: "hmm, nothing? is that really the BEST they can do? Boring".

Paradigm^
03-04-2008, 02:50 PM
That'd make two of nine classes seem useless and the readers would think: "hmm, nothing? is that really the BEST they can do? Boring".Either that or you'd think they're well rounded characters with no "best" feature.

White Tiger
03-04-2008, 02:54 PM
The sniper and engineer are rather rewarding classes, you get a good headshot which is like fuck yeah and if you built a sentry in the right place and maintain it well you get loads of kills.

Boyinabox
03-04-2008, 02:58 PM
The Sniper and the Engineer, doing what they do best: nothing.
GTFO

Seriously, right now.

Drattigan
03-04-2008, 03:10 PM
Well, that is what they do best.
Generally, in my experience, you stand still to snipe. And generally, again in my experience, you build sentries and stand around them, rather than getting into close combat.

I exaggerated by using the word 'nothing', I'll admit. But that's the entire point. It's an inside joke for TF2 players stating that the best feature of those two classes is not really moving about much. Clearly that went right through you lot. :p

Youlikeyams?
03-04-2008, 03:33 PM
I think everyone is taking Drattigan's style of writing in the wrong way here - there are jokes frequently cracked which a lot of people are either not picking up on or simply just taking the completely wrong way. Calm down, you lot.

midas22
03-04-2008, 03:57 PM
The Sniper and the Engineer, doing what they do best: nothing.


Snipers under the support section of the game. They're useless for the people who dont know how to use them, there are only a few maps with good sniper points like 2fort and some places in hydro

Drattigan
03-04-2008, 05:51 PM
So, the joke is void then, or do you all understand it now? :P

Altek
24-05-2008, 03:26 AM
interesting review. now i really want to play this game. my friends are even telling me "ITS AWESOME!!!! PLAY IT NOW!!!! BEST THING EVER!!!"

Dick Champion
29-05-2008, 02:26 PM
As any fule no; the best way of using an engineer is by regularly moving your sentry.

Drattigan
19-06-2008, 07:35 PM
Are we still debating this? Hmm, maybe then it's fair to say that both the Sniper and the Engineer have less 'physically demanding' jobs than the Heavy or the Scout?

Does that clear up the joke?

tom93
03-07-2008, 09:05 PM
"The voice acting for the Pyro is some of the best in the biz. Believe me."

DRATTIGAN THAT IS NOT TRUE AND YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON
:mad:

luttman23
04-08-2008, 04:54 PM
My review of TF2: Yippeeeeeeeee.

FIN