Twatybollocks
11-03-2004, 03:29 PM
I went for a colonic irrigation treatment recently in an ongoing quest to become Mr Healthy. I've written my experience down because A - I'm really bored and B - It part of my healing process, so read on if you've got the time (as it is quite lengthy).
For those of a squeamish nature, I must warn you that I’m about to describe the procedure in detail, so I’d carry on surfing for porn and mangled body death pics if I were you. If you really are easily offended, and you are the type of person who is outraged so much by Janet Jackson’s boobie popping out on TV, that you sue everyone you can think of and write protest letters to politicians, but don’t make a peep of protest when 100’s of Iraqi’s are blown up by a suicide bomber; then leave the internet, this whole place is not for you.
For those still with me, it all started as I entered the Salon and was greeted by the Manager who told me she would be carrying out my treatment. She kept on winking at me, so at this stage I started to become worried and began to question why they hell (or heck if you’ve been brought up not to blaspheme) I was going through with this? Before I could change my mind and run, she locked the front door. The official reason was something to do with security, but I suspect the real reason was she thought she was about to lose a potential customer and decided to lock me in before I bolted.
I was then passed a medical questionnaire to fill in. These included normal questions such as, “Do you have any allergies” to ones that shouldn’t have applied to me like, “Are you on your period?” I couldn’t resist and ticked, ‘Yes.’ In the following box that asked how long I had been on my period I wrote, “Two years, please kill me!” You may think I’m exaggerating, but believe me, no-one reads these questionnaires and they ask you all the questions verbally at some point anyway. True enough, half way through the treatment she asked me, “Are you on your period?”
I was then taken into a small room and the Manager asked me to strip from my waste down and lie on a bed with a sheet covering my dangly bits. She left the room at this point and a good point to, I didn’t want her seeing my privates!! I assumed the position and she came back in, told me to get off all fours and lie on my back like a sensible person. I grudgingly obeyed. She then showed me the object she was going to insert into me.
I screamed like a girl. The Manager told me not to be so silly and to turn on my side. What was actually inserted was about an inch long and an inch wide; man she had strange thumbs! Then this little tube was put in and I felt like saying, “Easy love, you haven’t even bought me dinner yet!” but I just continued to bite the pillow. A few moments later I felt this strange cool sensation as the purified water went in. It is very hard to describe, it wasn’t uncomfortable or painful, it just felt…..weird!
Then ‘stuff; started to come out. Now I couldn’t see anything, which I suppose is a blessing and up until that point the Manager had been distracting me with idle conversation. But now she started to give me a commentary as to what was happening, it went a little something like this:
Manager, “Do you have any children?”
Me, “I have a demon, he’s one years old now and has been walking since 11 months. We don’t have much of our house left.”
Manager, “That’s nice, Oooh, I see you like white bread!”
Me, “Pardon?”
Manager, “You don’t chew much do you?”
Me, “Eh?”
Manager, “How much water do you drink per day?”
Me, “Er, about…”
Manager, “That’s not enough. You need to drink at least 8 glasses per day. At first you’ll be like a hose pipe in spring, but soon your body will adjust and then you’ll be much more healthy.
Me, “Er….ok!”
Then she made this tutting sound, the kind of tut a garage mechanic makes just before he tells you your going to need a new flux capacitor and a new mortgage on your house to pay for it.
Manager, “You’re a big fan of Chinese food aren’t you?”
Me, “Well, er…yes.”
Manager, “And who’s been smuggling a lot of cocaine recently?”
Ok, I made up the last bit. I want to point that out in the strongest terms, especially if any members of the law are reading this. What occurred was basically a running commentary on everything I’d eaten in the past few years. I ended up imagining she was looking at this little conveyor belt with bits of half digested food, small mystery objects and the odd cuddly toy rolling past.
Before I knew it, I was producing a ‘clean flush’ as she described it and my ordeal was over, or so I thought. She unplugged me and told me that when I stood up, gravity would do its thing and I’d want to go to the toilet rather sharpish. So I’m following her down this corridor, trying to stop my towel from coming undone, panicking in case I suddenly started to gush everywhere and she’s saying encouraging things like “C’mon, hurry, you don’t have much time!”
I made it! The toilet was very nice and there was a basin with lots of soap, towels etc and even some wipes for cleaning the rim of the seat. There was even some nice music playing from somewhere. I sat down, expecting the worst, but nothing happened for a few minutes. I decided to exert a little pressure and then what happened next, I can best describes as, ‘my bottom kind of exploded!’ I went with a great gusto, there was no stopping me now and the sweet music was being completely drown out by my violent evacuation of the warp core. The thing is, I was sat only a few feet away from the door to the corridor and I could hear customers walking past, no doubt on there way for a nice massage or a facial treatment and here I was dropping depth charges very audibly. I was beginning to think I’d need a mop and brush to clean the walls if it was going to go on for much longer! But as suddenly as it started, it stopped.
I stayed for a few more minutes, just in case, then cleaned up as best I could. I left the Salon traumatised from my colonic experience, tired and in need of lots of alcohol. But the next day, and since then I’ve felt great….so much so that I’ve made another appointment in 8 weeks!
For those of a squeamish nature, I must warn you that I’m about to describe the procedure in detail, so I’d carry on surfing for porn and mangled body death pics if I were you. If you really are easily offended, and you are the type of person who is outraged so much by Janet Jackson’s boobie popping out on TV, that you sue everyone you can think of and write protest letters to politicians, but don’t make a peep of protest when 100’s of Iraqi’s are blown up by a suicide bomber; then leave the internet, this whole place is not for you.
For those still with me, it all started as I entered the Salon and was greeted by the Manager who told me she would be carrying out my treatment. She kept on winking at me, so at this stage I started to become worried and began to question why they hell (or heck if you’ve been brought up not to blaspheme) I was going through with this? Before I could change my mind and run, she locked the front door. The official reason was something to do with security, but I suspect the real reason was she thought she was about to lose a potential customer and decided to lock me in before I bolted.
I was then passed a medical questionnaire to fill in. These included normal questions such as, “Do you have any allergies” to ones that shouldn’t have applied to me like, “Are you on your period?” I couldn’t resist and ticked, ‘Yes.’ In the following box that asked how long I had been on my period I wrote, “Two years, please kill me!” You may think I’m exaggerating, but believe me, no-one reads these questionnaires and they ask you all the questions verbally at some point anyway. True enough, half way through the treatment she asked me, “Are you on your period?”
I was then taken into a small room and the Manager asked me to strip from my waste down and lie on a bed with a sheet covering my dangly bits. She left the room at this point and a good point to, I didn’t want her seeing my privates!! I assumed the position and she came back in, told me to get off all fours and lie on my back like a sensible person. I grudgingly obeyed. She then showed me the object she was going to insert into me.
I screamed like a girl. The Manager told me not to be so silly and to turn on my side. What was actually inserted was about an inch long and an inch wide; man she had strange thumbs! Then this little tube was put in and I felt like saying, “Easy love, you haven’t even bought me dinner yet!” but I just continued to bite the pillow. A few moments later I felt this strange cool sensation as the purified water went in. It is very hard to describe, it wasn’t uncomfortable or painful, it just felt…..weird!
Then ‘stuff; started to come out. Now I couldn’t see anything, which I suppose is a blessing and up until that point the Manager had been distracting me with idle conversation. But now she started to give me a commentary as to what was happening, it went a little something like this:
Manager, “Do you have any children?”
Me, “I have a demon, he’s one years old now and has been walking since 11 months. We don’t have much of our house left.”
Manager, “That’s nice, Oooh, I see you like white bread!”
Me, “Pardon?”
Manager, “You don’t chew much do you?”
Me, “Eh?”
Manager, “How much water do you drink per day?”
Me, “Er, about…”
Manager, “That’s not enough. You need to drink at least 8 glasses per day. At first you’ll be like a hose pipe in spring, but soon your body will adjust and then you’ll be much more healthy.
Me, “Er….ok!”
Then she made this tutting sound, the kind of tut a garage mechanic makes just before he tells you your going to need a new flux capacitor and a new mortgage on your house to pay for it.
Manager, “You’re a big fan of Chinese food aren’t you?”
Me, “Well, er…yes.”
Manager, “And who’s been smuggling a lot of cocaine recently?”
Ok, I made up the last bit. I want to point that out in the strongest terms, especially if any members of the law are reading this. What occurred was basically a running commentary on everything I’d eaten in the past few years. I ended up imagining she was looking at this little conveyor belt with bits of half digested food, small mystery objects and the odd cuddly toy rolling past.
Before I knew it, I was producing a ‘clean flush’ as she described it and my ordeal was over, or so I thought. She unplugged me and told me that when I stood up, gravity would do its thing and I’d want to go to the toilet rather sharpish. So I’m following her down this corridor, trying to stop my towel from coming undone, panicking in case I suddenly started to gush everywhere and she’s saying encouraging things like “C’mon, hurry, you don’t have much time!”
I made it! The toilet was very nice and there was a basin with lots of soap, towels etc and even some wipes for cleaning the rim of the seat. There was even some nice music playing from somewhere. I sat down, expecting the worst, but nothing happened for a few minutes. I decided to exert a little pressure and then what happened next, I can best describes as, ‘my bottom kind of exploded!’ I went with a great gusto, there was no stopping me now and the sweet music was being completely drown out by my violent evacuation of the warp core. The thing is, I was sat only a few feet away from the door to the corridor and I could hear customers walking past, no doubt on there way for a nice massage or a facial treatment and here I was dropping depth charges very audibly. I was beginning to think I’d need a mop and brush to clean the walls if it was going to go on for much longer! But as suddenly as it started, it stopped.
I stayed for a few more minutes, just in case, then cleaned up as best I could. I left the Salon traumatised from my colonic experience, tired and in need of lots of alcohol. But the next day, and since then I’ve felt great….so much so that I’ve made another appointment in 8 weeks!